Butt Dials, Budget Lies & Bronze Elon: Welcome to the United States of Whatever
Trump passes a budget on the backs of dead Democrats, the SAVE Act suppresses voters with flair, and 6 Representatives graze another plane like it’s a legislative bumper car.
Good morning, fellow dystopian-nightmare-havers! Hope your morning coffee is laced with something tasty and strong because this one is a doozy. Today’s snarkitorial is brought to you by CHAOS and the silver lining: with Trump back in the Oval Office, the punchlines are writing themselves.
The Budget Passed Because Ghosts Can’t Vote
Trump’s “big, beautiful budget” squeaked through the House by a 216–214 vote — a win powered not by persuasion, but by two vacant seats from deceased Democrats and a third absence from Rep. Donald Norcross, who was hospitalized. Turns out the nausea wasn’t Trump’s odor but his actual gallbladder saying, “F this, I’m out.” The timing? Terrible. The “over my dead body” jokes? A bit too on the nose.
House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries didn’t sugarcoat it: “They wouldn’t have had the votes otherwise.” We’ve gone from governing by majority to governing by mortality.
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SAVE Act: Suppression With a Smile
Next up? The SAVE Act (Safeguard American Voter Eligibility Act), which passed 220–208, requires proof of U.S. citizenship to register to vote. Sounds patriotic, until you remember most Americans don’t carry a passport, birth certificate, and time machine in their glove compartment. Sorry, ladies. The completely disproven conspiracy theory of voter fraud is much more important than the 19th Amendment. More like “Stop Americans from Voting Easily” — because nothing says liberty like gatekeeping democracy with paperwork.
Executive Orders from the Grudge Files
Trump followed up his legislative blitz with a barrage of executive orders targeting enemies like it’s a Burn Book with legal power. On the list:
Christopher Krebs, ex-CISA director and truth-teller.
Alexander Vindman, impeachment witness with a spine.
Yogananda Pittman, former Capitol Police chief.
Rachel Maddow, because nothing says governance like feuding with MSNBC.
The orders bar these individuals from federal appointments or contracts. They are basically restraining orders issued out of pure pettiness.
Six Reps, One Wingtip, Infinite Irony
Six House Republicans, including Reps. Cory Mills, Kat Cammack, Anna Paulina Luna, and others were on a plane that grazed another aircraft on the runway after voting for Trump’s budget and the SAVE Act.
No one was hurt. But when your voting record collides with another vehicle, it’s hard not to call it symbolic… or karma.
Musk Watch: Audits, Invoices & Executive Ice-Out
This week’s Elon news is a complete trilogy:
A 12-foot statue of Musk in Texas was vandalized — with spray paint, not irony, though both would’ve worked.
His xAI project in Memphis got caught using illegal generators.
The Department of Labor revealed that Musk’s DOGE operation invoiced the government $1.29 million for four staffers — that’s $322,500 per head, for jobs previously described as “volunteer.”
AND THEN: Musk is being sued by labor unions for DOGE’s access to sensitive federal data, including whistleblower info about… wait for it… Musk’s own companies. Oh, and DOGE is being audited. This should go smoothly.
Meanwhile, Trump looked Musk dead in the face during a Cabinet meeting and said: “I don’t need you.” The pettiest love story ever told.
Butt Dial Diplomacy
Yes, it happened. Trump’s switchboard called H.R. McMaster, his former National Security Advisor.
The call began with “Hold for the President,” followed by Trump bellowing “Henry!”
H.R., confused, replied: “This is H.R. McMaster.”
Trump: “Why the hell would I want to talk to you?”
And that, friends, is the State of the Union.
Libraries Declare War (Politely, But Firmly)
The American Library Association announced a lawsuit against the regime for dismantling the Institute of Museums and Library Services (and murdering the English language, and too many other transgressions to list).
Trump, reportedly unfamiliar with reading anything longer than a teleprompter typo, hasn’t commented. But if you listen closely, you can hear the Founding Fathers flipping through banned books and whispering, “We tried to warn you.”
Rumor has it that the Parks Service is training raccoons and bears for battle with their compatriots, and the librarians are sharpening their paper cutters and have started turning library cards into ninja throwing stars.
Groundhog Daylight Savings
For the seventh time in recorded history, the Senate is reconsidering Daylight Saving Time. Just pick a time, any time. Preferably before democracy collapses.
BONUS: A New Pin for a New Republic
Forget the American flag. That’s so First Amendment.
Reports confirm that Trump loyalists in his Cabinet, Congress, and various federal agencies are now wearing gold lapel pins of Trump’s head, a shiny, tacky, miniature bust of his profile where patriotism used to be.
These aren’t gag gifts or fan merch. They’re quietly being pushed as signs of allegiance, replacing Old Glory with a gold-plated ego trip. Seen on FCC officials and reportedly spreading like a rash of authoritarian cosplay, the pins are subtle if by subtle you mean dictator-core couture.
Next up: matching medallions, Trump Youth sashes, and required oaths to “The Hair.”
Curtain Call: Welcome to the Absurd States of America
Today’s news featured:
A budget passed by death and gallbladder.
Voter suppression with branding.
Executive orders fueled by personal vendettas.
Musk being the supreme chaos agent.
Six MAGA Reps playing runway chicken.
A literal butt dial turned national moment.
And a president who governs like a Signal chat admin with a vendetta.
It’s not satire. It’s America 2025.
Rage-Subscribe, Share, or Scream
Text it to your friend who just learned what a passport is. Read it aloud to your HOA. Whisper it into your malfunctioning voting machine.
Because in this timeline, if you’re not laughing, you’re crying into your $322K volunteer invoice.
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Receipts (Because we fear the revenge of the librarians):
Desjardins, Lisa. “House Republicans Pass Budget Framework to Begin Work on Trump’s Congressional Agenda.” PBS NewsHour, April 10, 2025.
“House Approves Budget Framework for Trump’s ‘Big’ Bill after Intense Wrangling Sways GOP Holdouts.” AP News, April 10, 2025.
“House Minority Leader Jeffries Says GOP Wouldn’t Have Passed Trump Budget Agenda without ‘Tragic’ Dem Deaths.” New York Post, April 10, 2025.
“American Library Association, AFSCME Challenge Trump Administration’s Gutting of Institute of Museum and Library Services.” American Library Association, April 8, 2025.
“House Passes SAVE Act Mandating Proof of Citizenship to Vote in Federal Elections.” Wall Street Journal, April 10, 2025.
“GAO Auditing Elon Musk’s DOGE Over Data Access to Federal Agencies.” Wired, April 9, 2025.
Shepardson, David. "American Airlines Plane Struck on Ground at Washington Airport by Another Plane, No Injuries Reported." Reuters, April 10, 2025.
Brennan, Margaret. "H.R. McMaster Receives Accidental Call from President Trump." CBS News, April 10, 2025.
Feiger, Leah. "US DOGE Service Agreement with Department of Labor Shows $1.3 Million Fee—and Details Its Mission." Wired, April 9, 2025.
Weisberger, Jason. “Trump's New Loyalty Test: 'Golden Trump Bust Lapel Pins'.” Boing Boing, April 9, 2025.
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Musk's band of incels got paid over $300K for 3 months of work. Turn those little bitches over to the American public!!
This was great ! Thanks !