Drowsy Don and the Donors of Doom

Tax cuts for the rich, walls for the border, fees for the fleeing, and one very sleepy Pope funeral attendee.

The federal government is melting like the glacial ice caps and between billion-dollar walls to nowhere, Pentagon makeup studios, and presidential declarations that sound like the ramblings of a conspiracy-themed escape room, it’s becoming harder to tell if this is government or cosplay with consequences.

Welcome to your semi-regular dispatch from the American political furnace, where the absurd is policy, the cruelty is choreographed, and the lighting? Impeccable.

Strap on your absurdity gear and buckle up for yet another Snarkitorial.

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Authoritarian Absurdities (Now With Mascara)

Pentagon Glam Room
Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth—yes, the SignalGate guy—had a makeup studio installed at the Pentagon. The man charged with projecting American power decided to first project high-definition cheekbones. SignalGate may have nuked public trust, but at least now the lighting is great when lying about it.

Trump Burger Is Real, and It’s Deep-Fried Fascism
Trump Burger, the fast-food chain-slash-campaign rally disguised as a restaurant, has officially opened its fourth location in Houston. For just $7.99, you too can consume a “Patriot Burger” under a framed MAGA hat while Fox News blares from the bathroom. If Hardee’s and a QAnon subreddit had a baby, this would be the nursery.

DOGE Gets Nuclear… Sort Of
Two staffers from the Department of Government Efficiency—Elon Musk’s shadow bureaucracy—were granted accounts on classified nuclear networks. DOE officials insist they didn’t use them; they just had them. It's like giving your dog the keys to a gun safe and saying, “Well, he didn’t pull the trigger.” It's totally normal, not even a little apocalyptic.

Trump Trolling or Trump Truthing™
As Press Secretary-slash-game show contestant, Karoline Leavitt was asked whether Trump plans to annex Greenland and make Canada the 51st state. Her answer: “Trump truthing all the way.” It’s less foreign policy and more a bizarre reboot of Risk, but with less strategy and more spray tan.

The Budget from Hell (Now With Border Walls and Tort Reform)

Trickling Down the Drain
The new Trump Tax Plan does what it always does: slashes taxes for billionaires and quietly raises them on, well, everyone else. Single parents? You’re now a tax liability. College students with scholarships? Hope you budgeted for the IRS. Homeowners? That mortgage deduction’s looking real nostalgic. It’s a reverse Robin Hood act where the poor get poorer and the rich get naming rights to the Treasury.

Seeking Asylum? That’ll Be $1,000
As part of this fever-dream budget, Republicans have proposed charging migrants $1,000 to apply for asylum. Nothing says “land of the free” like turning humanitarian protections into a GoFundMe. Refugees fleeing violence, poverty, and political persecution now get to meet American freedom, with a transaction fee. Because compassion is for suckers and PayPal is the new Statue of Liberty.

Border Wall Boondoggle 2.0
Congress is moving forward with a $46 billion plan to build...well, the idea of a wall. Never mind that Mexico never paid for it. Or that Steve Bannon already grifted millions pretending to build it. Or that what’s already standing is somewhere between "chain-link" and "vibes." Nothing stops crime like symbolic concrete and campaign nostalgia.

Louisiana: Drive Carefully and Hope You Don’t Get Hit
The Louisiana House just passed bills to slash auto accident lawsuit payouts, joining the national GOP mission of quietly undermining people’s rights to sue for damages. You can’t get health care, you can’t get insurance, and now—surprise!—you can’t get compensated either. Freedom!

Congress: Retirement Home Edition

A Chamber of Crypt-Keepers
One young Democrat running for Congress recently called it “a retirement community,” and he’s got receipts: two House Democrats died this month, and others are entering their 13th term with all the energy of a DMV line. Maybe it’s time for term limits. Or a defibrillator.

Protest? Must Be Paid, Says Trump
Trump is claiming Democrats are paying protestors to interrupt GOP town halls. Sir, we disrupt for free. Rage is free. Student debt is not.

He also instructed GOP lawmakers to eject protestors and “not treat them nicely.” Because when you can't govern, you can always default to minor-league fascism.

The PELOSI Act Because Subtlety Is for Losers
Senator Josh Hawley introduced a bill to ban stock trading by members of Congress and named it—of course—the PELOSI Act. Because nothing says “serious ethics reform” like petty branding. Trump, a man whose entire first term was a Marriott grift, says he’ll “absolutely” sign it.

Honoring the 1980s While Ignoring 2025
The House can’t pass basic protections for Americans, but they did manage to award Congressional Gold Medals to the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team. Nothing inspires legislative focus like Cold War nostalgia and a VHS copy of Miracle. No word on Putin’s response, but we like to think it was a shirtless glower.

Faith, Fraud & Fury

Reverend Barber Arrested—for Praying
Reverend William Barber was arrested in the Capitol Rotunda after praying against the Republican budget. The man behind the Poor People’s Campaign was peacefully praying for the poor and was cuffed for “crowding and obstructing.” Quoting Jesus now counts as sedition?

550 Rabbis Say: Knock It Off, Trump
Over 550 rabbis and cantors signed a joint statement condemning Trump’s use of antisemitism to attack universities and suppress dissent. Trump hasn’t responded, but his record suggests he’ll either double down or pivot to calling them "fake rabbis." Stay tuned.

Becciu Exits the Conclave
Cardinal Angelo Becciu—convicted of embezzlement and fraud—has announced he’ll recuse himself from voting for the next pope. Some call it accountability. Others call it “the Vatican discovering optics in the year 2025.”

Elon Musk vs. Everyone

Neil Young: If You’re a Fascist, Get a Tesla
At a recent benefit concert, Neil Young debuted a new song ripping Tesla’s safety record and Elon Musk’s ethics. With lyrics like “If you're a fascist, get a Tesla / It’s electric, it doesn’t matter,” the rock legend reminded us that protest music isn’t dead; it’s just waiting for the right billionaire to act up. Reminder: Neil pulled his music from Spotify over COVID disinfo. Elon pulled his credibility over… everything.

The Dogefather’s Cosplay Continues
Musk, who already runs X, DOGE, and at least one meme account of his own ego, recently showed off a fake police badge with the title “Dogefather.” The badge reads “69420” and may be the most coherent governance coming out of his office this month. Yes, those numbers are referencing exactly what you think they are. Yes, he’s a middle-aged father of at least 12 who still acts like he’s 12. Live. Laugh. Law enforcement LARPing.

Outro: Drowsy Don and the Winds of Decline

Finally, we turn to a moment of silence—literally. Trump, attending the Pope’s funeral, appeared to fall asleep mid-ceremony. The memes arrived before the snoring stopped: Don Snorleon, Drowsy Don, The Somnambulant Statesman. It was a papal power nap for the ages.

This is what empire looks like in decline: the Pope is dead, the Pentagon has a glam squad, and the leader of the free world is drooling into a Vatican pew while dreaming of his next indictment.

We’ve just passed the 100-day mark in Trumplandia2.0… and it feels like 100 years of chaos. Even Fox is struggling to find the winning.

And in those 100 days? That even Fox found underwhelming? A record number of Executive Orders and a record number of corresponding lawsuits— 220 to be exact. Yes, more than 2 per day. Justice? Wherefore art thou?

And one of those Executive Orders? To ensure that truck drivers can speak English. Grammar? Essential. Adequate sleep, breaks, brakes, and pay? Eh. Capitalism, baby.

But there is good news. (No, not that.) It is beginning to look a lot like…. consequences? Reality?

And that’s it for this Snarkitorial. Weirdness, absurdity, late-stage capitalism, and serious fascist overtones, but perhaps (omg pleassseee) an awakening?

See you next time—if the lights are still on (sorry Portugal, Spain, and France).

Behold: the scroll of sources, compiled not by monks in a tower, but by reporters stuck covering America’s political remake of Mad Max: The Budget Years:

• Brewster, Murray. "Pete Hegseth Orders Makeup Studio for Pentagon Briefings." CBS News, April 25, 2025.

• Dillon, Ailish. "Congress Moves Forward with Billions in Funding for Border Wall Construction." Earthjustice, April 22, 2025.

• Svirnovskiy, Alex. "Karoline Leavitt Asked If Trump Wants Canada as 51st State." Mediaite, April 23, 2025.

• Conroy, Edward. "Republican Proposal Would Make College Scholarships Taxable Income." Forbes, January 24, 2025.

• Edwards, Chris. "House Republicans Float $1,000 Asylum Application Fee." AP News, April 24, 2025.

• Timmons, Heather. "Congress Approves Bill Honoring Miracle on Ice Team." MSN News, April 28, 2025.

• Beattie, Chris. "Trump Burger Expands to Fourth Houston Location." Click2Houston, April 28, 2025.

• Weiss, Max. "William Barber Arrested While Praying at US Capitol." MSN News, April 28, 2025.

• Young, Neil. "Let’s Roll Again." Performance at Light Up the Blues Benefit, Greek Theatre, Los Angeles. April 26, 2025. Coverage at Daily Beast.

• NPR Staff. "DOGE Staffers Given Access to Nuclear Classified Networks." NPR, April 28, 2025.

• J Street. "Hundreds of Rabbis Condemn Trump’s Exploitation of Antisemitism." J Street, April 26, 2025.

• Star Tribune. "Becciu Convicted of Fraud, Won’t Join Papal Conclave." Star Tribune, April 27, 2025.

• Yahoo News. "Republicans Consider Raising Taxes on Single Parents and Students." Yahoo News, April 21, 2025.

• LiveNowFox. "Trump Says He Will Sign PELOSI Act." Live Now Fox, April 20, 2025.

• ABC News. "Trump’s 100 Days: Record Executive Orders, 220 Lawsuits." ABC News, April 29, 2025.

• Baltimore Sun. "Trump Signs Order Requiring English for Truck Drivers." Baltimore Sun, April 29, 2025.

• Mediaite Staff. "Trump: Don’t Treat Protesters Nicely at Town Halls." Mediaite, April 23, 2025.