ICYMI: Welcome Back to the United States of What the Hell
5 stories you may have missed in the maelstrom.
Well folx, it's been another week of bureaucratic cosplay, ideological whiplash, and democracy dangling by a vape thread. While you were trying to parse whether Grok is sentient or just terminally online, your government quietly tried to replace public healthcare with military drones, install Fox News hosts in charge of foreign policy, and let billionaires run our diplomacy like it’s a TED Talk for arms dealers.
We read the whole cursed feed so you don’t have to. Here are five stories from The Coffman Chronicle you might’ve missed, but definitely shouldn’t.
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The Guru: Curtis Yarvin and the Code of Autocracy
He doesn’t storm the Capitol. He rewrites the source code.
Curtis Yarvin, aka Mencius Moldbug, isn’t a politician. He’s something worse: an idea guy. The kind who thinks democracy is an outdated app and wants to install a sleek new authoritarian OS instead. Backed by Silicon Valley titans and worshipped by MAGA intellectuals, Yarvin’s playbook isn’t about winning elections. It’s about making elections irrelevant.
From his “Cathedral” conspiracy to his CEO-dictator utopia, Yarvin’s ideology isn’t fringe anymore; it’s firmware in Project 2025. And while others scream into microphones, he whispers code into the foundations of power.
Part of our series of exposés on the players behind the curtain.
We Regret to Inform You the Republic Is Still on Fire
Campaign cosplay, sewage swims, exploding birds, and a librarian firing that would make Orwell blush. It’s the Coffman Chronicle Snarkitorial, chock full of the week of Are-You-Kidding-Me told in our usual wry style.
It’s 2025, and the United States is speed-running through every genre of dystopia. This week’s “greatest hits” include Trump inventing the word “equalize,” RFK Jr. treating a toxic creek like a spa day, Elon Musk launching horny Terminators, and Congress snoring through budget talks like it’s nap time at geriatric daycare. Also, a raccoon with a meth pipe briefly held the moral high ground.
In case you missed it, the republic is still very much aflame and the flames are sentient now. They’ve formed a PAC.
We Regret to Inform You the Republic Is Still on Fire
Welcome back to the United States of What the Hell. The year is 2025. AI is making sex bots that quote Tucker Carlson. A presidential candidate took his grandkids swimming in literal sewage. Congress is napping on the job (again). And somewhere, Elon Musk is promising us all a Terminator with a heart of gold.
How American Foreign Policy Became a Corporate Power Play
Elon Musk on Air Force One wasn’t a glitch in the matrix. It’s the business model.
When the president landed in Riyadh with CEOs in tow, it wasn’t diplomacy but a shareholder meeting with nukes. This deep dive traces how U.S. foreign policy evolved from geopolitical strategy to corporate onboarding session. From Walmart’s Main Street demolition to Musk whispering defense priorities into the ears of despots, it’s clear who’s steering the ship, and it’s not the people who vote.
CEOs don’t just advise policy anymore. They are policy.
How American Foreign Policy Became a Corporate Power Play
When Air Force One touched down in Riyadh this week, it wasn’t just President Trump stepping onto the tarmac. Flanking him were Elon Musk, Sam Altman, and Larry Fink, three titans of tech and finance, each commanding more capital and influence than most countries. Their presence drew headlines and speculation, but to be honest, it wasn’t all that surpri…
From the Green Room to the Situation Room
The Fox News Cinematic Universe just merged with the federal government. Spoiler: It’s not a reboot. It’s real.
Trump's second term has turned the U.S. government into a greenroom cosplay nightmare. With 23 Fox News alumni now running everything from the Pentagon to press briefings, we’re living through the FOXification of federal power. Pirro, Bongino, Gabbard, Huckabee, even Ingraham’s got a seat at the culture table. The talking points are now policy, the soundbites are statecraft, and the ad breaks come with executive orders.
This is what happens when your news network becomes your national strategy.
Starve the State, Feed the Machine
They tried to torch Medicaid, sell the land, and supercharge the Pentagon—but even Republicans are choking on this Frankenstein bill.
The House GOP dropped a budget so warped, it slashes health care for millions, green-lights fossil extraction on public land, and hands a blank check to ICE and the Pentagon, all while giving billionaires permanent tax breaks. But plot twist: even the GOP can’t get it out of committee. Deficit hawks, MAGA influencers, and moderate Republicans are throwing elbows, and the whole thing might implode under its own weight.
For now, democracy lives. Barely.
We’ll Be Back When Reality Gets Even Worse
And let’s be honest—probably by Wednesday.
Stay tuned, snarky, and loud if you’re tired of being gaslit by gold-plated chaos agents and PR-nightmare-turned-policy-makers. We’ll keep reading the fine print so you don’t have to (but please do read it—some of it’s legally horrifying).
Share this ICYMI with the one friend who still thinks we’re being dramatic.
And maybe also with your senator.
Until next time,
—Team Coffman Chronicle
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This post is an eye opener - and tells me just how important your writing is.