Romaine, Repression & Rocket Sperm: Just Another Week in Hell

Now with double the WTF and Musk spunk in your DMs

Welcome back, dear doom-surfers, to the Coffman Chronicle Snarkitorial, where the nation’s slide into banana-republic-meets-sci-fi-disaster is chronicled with the precision of a scalpel and the vibe of a flaming cocktail. If you're new here: hydrate liberally, read fast, and scream responsibly.

We’ve got deportation selfies, lettuce of death, a flat-earth GOP official, and the wealthiest man alive offering his sperm like he’s trying to rebrand “Children of Men” into a TikTok challenge. Let’s get into it.

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E. Coli Romaine Outbreak? Just Don’t Look Too Closely.

A deadly E. coli outbreak hit 15 states. One person is dead. Dozens are sick. And you didn’t hear a damn thing about it because the FDA’s been hollowed out like a MAGA brain on Facebook. Lettuce is now a controlled substance, eggs are unaffordable, and RFK’s brainworm is responsible for keeping our food safe.

Don’t worry, though—there’s plenty of federal energy being spent on persecuting drag brunches. Your salad could kill you, but let’s focus on banning TikTok instead.

Big Ten Forms Mutual Defense Pact – Academia Assembles, Avengers-Style

Forget football rivalries—universities from Nebraska to Rutgers just looked around and said, “We’ve got fascism on the syllabus.” The Big Ten is forming a literal mutual defense compact to combat Trump’s attack on higher ed. Yes, the same Big Ten that can’t agree on what counts as a catch in football has found unity in fighting authoritarianism.

It’s like NATO, but with more tweed and less spine. Tenured professors are sharpening their syllabi. The resistance wears elbow patches now. Who said the humanities were dead?

Dem Senator Blocked from Seeing Wrongfully Deported Constituent. GOP Gets Thumbs-Up Selfies.

Senator Chris Van Hollen flew to El Salvador to check on a wrongfully deported U.S. resident. The Vice President of El Salvador told him, “LOL no,” while a Republican lawmaker waltzed into the same prison for a MAGA meet-cute and left with souvenir selfies. U.S. citizenship now comes with tiered access depending on whether you own a red hat. It’s democracy via Instagram filters, y’all.

Breaking! Since we composed this snark-filled tome of brilliance, Senator Van Hollen and (weirdly) President Bukele of El Salvador have posted photos of Abrego Garcia proving he is alive and well!

DC Attorney Nominee Forgot to Mention 150 Russian State TV Appearances

Trump’s pick for DC U.S. Attorney, Ed Martin, made over 150 appearances on RT and Sputnik from 2016 to 2024 and conveniently left that detail out of his disclosure forms—just your average DOJ applicant who moonlighted as a Kremlin guest star.

White House Rolls Out 30,000 Real Eggs. America Rolls Its Eyes.

The Trump White House burned 30,000 real eggs for a party while Americans stare at $9.99 cartons and ask Alexa if egg salad is worth bankruptcy. Maybe next year they’ll toss some caviar in the grass for fun. It’s a Marie Antoinette cosplay with Peeps and optics only a dictator could love. DOGE? Not invited. To be fair (sigh), the Egg Board (that’s a thing) always donates the eggs. Tacky? Absolutely. Surprising? Not at all.

FCC Threatens Comcast Over Deportation Coverage

Trump’s FCC guy, Brendan Carr, who helped write the Project 2025 blueprint, is threatening to revoke Comcast’s license for “news distortion.” Because nothing says “freedom of the press” like the FCC threatening news outlets for… reporting? The reason? They made the Trump regime look bad. Which is weird, because they seem to do that entirely on their own.

Boy Band Bassist Runs for Congress Because Why Not

Tim Myers, ex-OneRepublic bassist, is running for Congress in California’s 41st. From the stage to the swamp, because America is now governed by anyone with a verified Instagram and at least one emotional ballad. And yes, he’s still more qualified than at least 75% of Trump’s administration.

Maine GOP Responds to Mass Shootings by… Repealing Waiting Periods?

After two mass shootings, Republican lawmakers in Maine are pushing to repeal the 72-hour firearm waiting period. Obviously, the problem is that we’re not handing out guns fast enough.

Minnesota GOP Elects Flat-Earther. We’re Not Even Surprised.

Yes, you read that right. A literal flat-earther is now in the Minnesota GOP leadership. Science is fake, reality is optional, and this party platform was last updated in a group chat from the 1400s.

Because it isn’t a snarkitorial without DOGE….

DOGE Tried to Sell a Civil Rights Landmark

The Department of Government Efficiency tried to sell the Montgomery bus station where Rosa Parks sparked a movement. Their reason? Not “core” to operations.

Translation: History doesn’t matter unless it’s whitewashed, laminated, and sold in the gift shop.

DOGE Takes Credit for Fraud That Was Already Found Years Ago

DOGE is bragging about discovering $382M in unemployment fraud that the agency already discovered years ago. It’s like finding your car keys and demanding a medal.

Elon’s Ex Says He Offers Sperm via DMs. Humanity Weeps.

One of Elon Musk’s exes—and mother of one of his children—claims he offers women his sperm via X to “build a legion.” He’s treating reproduction like a crypto airdrop. Nothing’s been confirmed, but the reports are multiplying like, well… Musk’s kids.

Aliens Might Exist. They’re Definitely Ignoring Us.

And speaking of alien overlords, scientists think they have found biosignatures on planet K2-18b, 120 light-years away. Translation: Extraterrestrial life may exist. And it probably has better healthcare and voting rights. Clearly it is intelligent life because they took one look a this shitshow and said “naw.”

Final Scene: The Dumpster Still Burns, but Now It’s in Space

DOGE is moving Social Security contact to X, AmeriCorps responders are on leave, and the lettuce is trying to kill us.

Until next time: avoid the salad bar, keep your pocket constitution handy, and maybe don’t open any DMs from Musk.

Bibliography, because if this were fiction, the editor would’ve sent it back with a note: “Too unrealistic.”:

• “MSU faculty join call for Big Ten mutual defense compact against Trump administration.” The State News, April 11, 2025.

• Stripling, Jack. “These Faculty Senates Are Trying to Band Together to Stand Up to Trump.” Chronicle of Higher Education, April 10, 2025.

• Wilson, Camilla. “Deadly E. coli outbreak hit 15 states. Why didn't the FDA issue public warnings?” The Independent, April 16, 2025.

• Chung, Emily. “E. coli outbreak kills 1, sickens 88 across 15 states—FDA called out for silence.” Yahoo News, April 15, 2025.

• Licon, Adriana Gomez. “Senator blocked from seeing deported U.S. resident in El Salvador.” Associated Press, April 17, 2025.

• Swan, Jonathan. “House GOP blocks Democrats from El Salvador prison visits.” Axios, April 17, 2025.

• Heater, Brian. “Trump’s FCC commissioner threatens Comcast over deportation coverage.” The Verge, April 16, 2025.

• Freeman, Joe. “FCC commissioner slams Comcast, accuses media of ‘distorting truth’ on deportations.” Yahoo News, April 16, 2025.

• Goldberg, Jeffrey. “Ed Martin’s Undisclosed Ties to Russian Media.” The Atlantic, April 14, 2025.

• Durbin, Dick. “Statement on Ed Martin’s Undisclosed Appearances on Russian State Media.” U.S. Senate Press Release, April 14, 2025.

• Holmes, Taegan. “White House Easter Egg Roll uses 30,000 real eggs despite shortage.” The Independent, April 10, 2025.

• Blood, Michael. “Former OneRepublic bassist joins California congressional race.” Associated Press, April 11, 2025.

• Moon, Eddie Burkhalter. “Freedom Riders Museum nearly sold off in federal property fire sale.” Alabama Political Reporter, March 6, 2025.

• Gross, Elissa. “Scientists find promising signs of life on planet 120 light-years away.” WIRED, April 15, 2025.

• Clark, Maya. “$900 million in government 'savings' quietly deleted from DOGE transparency site.” The Independent, April 16, 2025.

• Barlow, Ann. “Maine GOP pushes to repeal 72-hour firearm waiting period following mass shootings.” Maine Morning Star, April 15, 2025.

• Coolican, J. Patrick. “Minnesota Republicans elect a flat-earther to a party leadership post.” Minnesota Reformer, April 16, 2025.

• AP News Staff. “DOGE re-announces old unemployment fraud cases as new.” Associated Press, April 13, 2025.

• “Sources close to Elon Musk believe number of children is much higher than publicly known.” The Independent, April 16, 2025.