Snarkitorial: Bots, Bros & Bureaucratic Body Bags

Welcome to the Broken-Clockwork Orange of American Governance

If you thought this period in politics would bring clarity, closure, or even just a coherent press release, you must be new here. What we got instead was an overflowing septic tank of administrative implosions, failed PR stunts, and scandals so on-the-nose they read like a bad Veep reboot written by an AI that hates you.

From disappearing evidence to disappearing brain cells, let’s wade through the molasses-thick absurdity and see who managed to fumble hardest on the national stage. Spoiler alert: everyone.

In this edition of the Snarkitorial, we dive deep into five stories so full of irony, stupidity, and eye rolls that the only appropriate response is, of course, sass, snark, and sarcasm.

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Fetterman Flops, Voters Sigh

Senator John Fetterman once surfed into office on a wave of outsider authenticity: hoodies, tattoos, and a penchant for calling out phonies. However, his new memoir, Unfettered, hit shelves with all the impact of a Nerf ball in a hurricane. In his hometown Barnes & Noble, zero copies sold in the first few days. In Philly? Two. Pittsburgh and Philly indie shops? Not even carrying it. The man who once embodied blue-collar realness now can’t even get union towns to read his diary.

Maybe it was the $1 million advance. Maybe it was the fact that it reads less like a political reckoning and more like a midlife crisis with a ghostwriter. Perhaps— and this is just a wild theory here— it is because the Commonwealth voters who donated, rallied, and campaigned for him realized very quickly that either the stroke he suffered either erased his entire personality OR it was always a shame. Whatever the reason, this book flopped harder than a gas station omelet, and no amount of gritty charm is going to pull it out of the bargain bin.

Where are those moderate Republicans you’ve been trying to pull in now, bruh?

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DOGE Dies, Funeral Unattended

Created by executive order on Day One of Trump 2.0, the Department of Government Efficiency was pitched as a startup-infused miracle cure for bureaucracy. Instead, it was a federally funded buzzsaw. In just four months, it shredded USAID, slashed contracts, and fired people with the kind of zeal usually reserved for Silicon Valley layoffs.

Now, eight months before its scheduled end, DOGE is gone. Or rather, as the administration is claiming, it “lives on in spirit,” which is what you say about your dead goldfish to comfort a crying child. The White House insists its principles remain embedded in other agencies, but those agencies mostly look like they’re limping away from a back-alley mugging.

The Office of Personnel Management, led by Scott Kupor, is reported to be absorbing the agency’s duties, which is almost makes sense considering the hallmark of the DOGE was firing personnel just cuz.

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ICE, Interrupted

In a plot twist nobody finds surprising anymore, ICE reported that 13 crucial days of surveillance footage from The Broadview Detention Center in Chicago under legal fire for abuse just... vanished. Like, poof. Gone. The footage coincidentally disappeared right after a class-action lawsuit was filed. Totally random. Definitely not shady at all.

The agency blames a “system crash,” which is government speak for “we don’t want to talk about it.” And while detainees allege horrifying abuse during that exact timeframe, ICE gets to shrug and say, “our bad.” In any functioning democracy, this would be a scandal. Here, it barely trends below a viral cat video.

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Oops, X Did It Again

Elon Musk, ever the accidental whistleblower, briefly activated a new X feature that displayed account locations. Within hours, it revealed what everyone already suspected: that many of the most virulent pro-Trump, America-First accounts were actually tweeting from Bangladesh, Nigeria, and the backrooms of Belgrade internet cafes.

Accounts like @IvankaNews_ and @MAGA_NATION, with hundreds of thousands of followers and blue checkmarks, were exposed as Franken-accounts: old usernames rebranded for disinfo warfare. The feature was promptly disabled. Apparently, the truth was too transparent for comfort. It’s hard to scream about American greatness from a Macedonian IP address when the app tells on you.

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Meet Cute in the Oval

Expecting a smackdown between Donald Trump and NYC Mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani? Think again. What we got was a political meet-cute, complete with arm pats, warm smiles, and Trump gazing at Mamdani like he just discovered a new flavor of Diet Coke.

Despite Mamdani calling Trump a “fascist” to his face (and to the press), Trump responded with the political equivalent of “he’s just being silly.” Photos from the meeting looked less like diplomacy and more like Tinder’s weirdest success story. MAGA world braced for a battle. Instead, they got a buddy comedy filmed in front of a portrait of FDR.

Somewhere, VP Vance is gazing mournfully into the couch cushions wondering why Trump never looked at him with such overt love while Eric and Don Jr. offer tissues.

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When the Clowns Take the Wheel, Expect Fires

And that’s just part one, folks. We’re only halfway through the garbage fire and already the stench is eye-watering. From disappearing documents to disappearing dignity, this edition was a masterclass in American dysfunction.

Stay tuned for Part 2, where the GOP tries to eat itself, Trump sells ghost phones, and a former infomercial pitchman decides it’s time to Make Congress ShamAgain. Spoiler: it doesn’t get better. It just gets weirder.

Don’t let the bastards sneak anything past you. Subscribe and get your daily dose of rage and receipts delivered fresh, before the spin doctors can scrub it.

Sources, because who could believe this crap otherwise?

• John Fetterman’s Memoir Is As Low-Effort As His Senate Tenure – Defector

• John Fetterman’s Book Bombs in His Own Backyard – Political Wire

• Exclusive: DOGE ‘doesn’t exist’ with eight months left on its charter – Reuters

• DOGE no longer has ‘centralized leadership’ under White House tech team, personnel head says – Nextgov

• ‘Irretrievably destroyed’: Trump admin says video footage inside ICE facility at center of class action lawsuit ‘cannot be produced’ in line with court’s discovery order – Law & Crime

• ICE ‘Suspiciously’ Loses Key Abuse Footage After Lawsuit, Lawyers Warn of a ‘Government Cover-Up’ – IBTimes

• Trump Is Boosting MAGA X Accounts Operating Overseas – Wired

• X erupts after the platform reveals the locations where accounts are based – Business Insider

• Zohran Mamdani Stands by His Belief That Donald Trump Is a ‘Fascist’ and ‘Despot’ After Friendly Oval Office Meeting – People

• Trump to meet NYC mayor-elect Mamdani at White House on Friday – Reuters