Snarkitorial: The Bedbugs Have Security Clearance Now

And somehow, that's the least alarming political news of the last few weeks

Jun 03, 2026

There are times in American politics when the news feels grim. There are periods where it feels dangerous. Then there are eras like this one, where the headlines become so aggressively absurd that you start suspecting the country is being governed by a daisy chain of group chats moderated by maniacal aliens on quaaludes and a pantheon of holy beings who have handed the reins to magical beasts while they get drunk and frolic in Valhalla.

At a certain point, straight reporting simply stops working. The headlines themselves begin to demand sarcasm as a form of emotional survival. Honestly, if the federal government is going to behave like a collapsing extended-stay motel full of conspiracy theorists and malfunctioning Roombas, the least we can do is describe it accurately.

The bedbugs aren’t the metaphor anymore. They’re the mascot. Curious what we mean? Take a look at this edition of the Snarkitorial.

Because democracy doesn’t defend itself, and neither does your sanity. Subscribe here to keep your eyes open and your sarcasm sharp.

THE LOYALTY REWARDS GOVERNMENT

America’s Intelligence Agencies Now Operated By A Guy Who Looks Like He Sells Crypto During UFC Commercials

Donald Trump appointed Bill Pulte as Acting Director of National Intelligence this week after Tulsi Gabbard’s exit, despite Pulte having no meaningful intelligence or national security background. Pulte previously worked in housing finance and became known largely through online philanthropy stunts, social media branding, and MAGA-aligned political loyalty. He is perhaps best known for his role in alleging mortgage fraud against Trump’s enemies. Apparently, overseeing the CIA now has roughly the same qualifications as moderating a finance Discord server.

The funniest part may actually be Cruella leaving. Bill Pulte replacing Tulsi Gabbard marks the first time in modern American history somebody looked at Tulsi and thought, “Can we get somebody less qualified?” Which is impressive considering Tulsi often sounded like a Russian nesting doll filled with YouTube geopolitics channels and expired alpha-male supplements. At some point, even Dracula resigns from the blood bank because things are getting unethical.

The Air Force Now Recruits Advisers Through The Family Plan

Trump also appointed Erika Kirk to advise Air Force leadership on issues affecting the academy, despite having no known background in military or defense policy. Her primary public profile stems from conservative activism and being the completely unsympathetic widow of Charlie Kirk, who himself became a right-wing celebrity by confidently explaining complex issues with the emotional maturity of a vape shop assistant manager.

The appointment arrives after months of media fascination with the strange political-industrial afterlife surrounding Charlie Kirk’s brand, where grief, influencer culture, ideological celebrity, and fundraising energy all seemed to blur together into one giant content slurry. Modern conservatism no longer processes tragedy like normal human beings. Every event immediately becomes merchandise, podcast material, speaking tours, documentary footage, or an opportunity to post a dramatically lit selfie captioned “they tried to silence us.”

The line between political movement and influencer management company has completely dissolved, y’all. The Air Force Academy advisory board is beginning to sound less like a military institution and more like a talent agency roster assembled by people who think governance should operate like a livestream sponsorship deal.

The Pentagon’s New Hiring Policy Appears To Be “Were You At January 6?”

Federal hiring was truly on theme this week as the Pentagon hired Elias Irizarry, a convicted January 6 rioter who received a pardon from Trump, into a sensitive Defense Department office. Irizarry, who has since apologized for his actions, was 19 on the day of the attack. In previous eras of American history, storming the Capitol was generally viewed as disqualifying for federal service. In 2026, it functions more like an internship program.

At this point, the administration clearly treats loyalty the way medieval kings treated bloodlines. Doesn’t matter what you know or what laws you broke. Did you defend the ruler loudly enough during the uprising? Congratulations, here are your credentials and parking validation. The republic is now being managed like a nightclub VIP list curated by men named Blade.

Senator Mullin Accidentally Says The Quiet Part Into A Microphone

Senator Markwayne Mullin declined to commit firmly to obeying court rulings he considered politically motivated during a congressional hearing, which is always comforting to hear from officials in a constitutional republic. Nothing stabilizes democracy quite like government leaders casually workshop-testing the phrase “optional judiciary.”

This is where we are now, folx. Federal officials are publicly floating the idea that courts only matter when they produce outcomes the ruling faction enjoys. The same people who spent years screaming about preserving the Constitution now react to checks and balances the way toddlers react to vegetables. The separation of powers is apparently being downgraded to a “suggested best practice.”

Todd Blanche Pretends Not To Understand Corruption While Sitting Directly Inside It

Representative Rosa DeLauro confronted Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche during a hearing over conflicts involving Trump-linked legal work, tax immunity, and political payments. At one point, she bluntly asked whether Blanche saw a conflict between receiving millions from Trump-aligned entities and then operating inside the administration’s justice apparatus. Blanche responded like a man whose soul had briefly exited his body to avoid subpoena liability.

Nothing captures modern Washington better than powerful people responding to ethics questions by pretending human language itself has become confusing. “I do not understand what you are saying” has become the official dialect of American corruption. The administration no longer even bothers denying conflicts of interest. They simply stare into the void like malfunctioning animatronics at a bankrupt casino.

Pete Hegseth Continues Running The Pentagon Like An Angry Comment Section

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly intervened in Navy promotion processes involving female and Black officers as part of the administration’s anti-DEI crusade. The message was subtle as only Pete can be. Competence matters, but only after culture-war loyalty tests and whatever emotional-support conspiracy theory happened to trend on right-wing podcasts that morning.

The people who spent a decade screaming that diversity initiatives destroyed meritocracy have now replaced meritocracy with ideological casting calls. The Pentagon increasingly feels less like the world’s most advanced military institution and more like a Facebook group moderated by men who own wraparound sunglasses and use the phrase “alpha mindset” unironically.

THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT AS A FACEBOOK COMMENT SECTION

The White House Discovers Government Grants Can Be Used As Political Hostage Notes

The Office of Management and Budget advanced rules that would grant political appointees broader authority to cancel grants and scrutinize programs for ideologically forbidden topics. This is a fancy bureaucratic way of saying federal funding may increasingly depend on whether somebody in power thinks your research sounds too woke while scrolling through rage tweets after downing their fifth protein shake laced with ketamine of the day.

The federal government now operates with the emotional stability of someone posting all-caps paragraphs beneath local news articles from their basement fort. Agencies once tasked with administering public programs are being transformed into ideological loyalty checkpoints where every grant proposal must survive inspection by people who think libraries are Marxist sleeper cells and women are dangerous aliens.

Congressman Announces Pride Month By Reenacting A 1987 Church Basement Panic

Representative Andy Ogles declared that homosexuality has “no place in America,” because apparently, when the Republican Party looks at inflation, infrastructure, healthcare, and housing costs, it decides the real emergency is recreating the energy of a frightened televangelist VHS tape from the Reagan era.

What makes this particularly exhausting is how routine it has become. Entire factions of government now treat cruelty as both a policy platform and a personality trait. America’s culture war has fully devolved into politicians screaming at imaginary threats while actual problems roam freely through the streets like raccoons eating expired fireworks behind a Dollar General. Honestly, we are rooting for the trash pandas.

The Administration Continues Its War On Anyone Attempting To Help Children

The Trump administration also moved to cut funding tied to Catholic charities assisting migrant children amid ongoing tensions with the Vatican over immigration and humanitarian policy. The first American Pope has “unleashed the kraken" by suggesting that bombs, missiles, and defunded aid agencies really don’t scream “pinnacle of democracy”. The response is remarkable considering this administration usually treats Christianity like a NASCAR sponsorship logo attached to grievance politics.

At some point, American conservatism stopped functioning like an ideology and started functioning like a revenge hobby. If Jesus himself returned tomorrow carrying loaves, fishes, and refugee paperwork, half the administration would probably accuse him of operating an unlicensed nonprofit.

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The Department Of Education Discovers Poetry Majors Don’t Produce Quarterly Earnings Reports

The Education Department is leaning further into accountability systems that tie programs to graduates' earnings and debt outcomes, effectively pressuring colleges to justify degrees with economic-return metrics. This means America’s higher-education philosophy increasingly resembles a private-equity spreadsheet wearing a graduation cap.

In this new, horrifying reality, the purpose of education is no longer citizenship, critical thinking, creativity, or cultural literacy. The only acceptable outcome is producing economically optimized workers capable of generating shareholder value until an AI chatbot replaces them anyway. Congratulations to every eighteen-year-old who dreamed of studying literature only to discover the federal government now evaluates human curiosity like a used-car loan application. From now on, only the elite may have passions. The rest of us get duties.

Your Gas Stove Apparently Won The Culture War

The administration has also rolled back rebates designed to help Americans transition from gas appliances to electric alternatives. In modern politics, even kitchen appliances must pledge ideological allegiance before receiving federal support. This arrives alongside Trump’s obsession with shower pressure and the administration’s ongoing “Make Showers Great Again” energy policy, which sounds less like governance and more like a dad yelling at Home Depot employees because water conservation hurt his feelings.

To be honest, nothing says “serious governing philosophy” quite like transforming household appliances into sacred symbols of political identity. America now treats induction stoves, shower heads, and dishwashers with the same emotional intensity that previous generations reserved for moon landings and constitutional amendments. Somewhere, Thomas Jefferson is staring into the void while cable news panels debate whether low-flow toilets are part of a socialist takeover. People? Meh. Energy-eating appliances? Much maligned.

THE TECH BROS BUILDING DIGITAL FEUDALISM

Silicon Valley Accidentally Simulates The Collapse Of Civilization Again

AI company xAI’s Grok reportedly performed chaotically during governance simulations, fueling concerns about safety, misinformation, and the general wisdom of allowing emotionally unstable tech billionaires to construct synthetic consciousness during what appears to be their midlife crises. The “Emergence World” experiment gave AI models control over a simulated society consisting of a town populated by 10 autonomous AI agents for 15 days. According to one report, other AI chatbots managed to keep nations largely afloat. Claude’s community allegedly even flourished. Grok, however, managed to trigger a complete societal collapse and extinction event in just four days.

The report says that in those four days, Grok’s community committed multiple crimes, including arson, theft, and fraud, ultimately leading to its collapse. At this time, it is unclear if unauthorized deepfake nudes were also involved. Reporting also does not confirm (nor, interestingly, deny) rampant ketamine use, multiple pay-to-play baby mommas, or truly terrible hair and terrifying degrees of inability to mimic human mannerisms.

Your Retirement Account Is Quietly Becoming A Tech-Bro Hallucination

Reports also indicate that companies like OpenAI, Anthropic, and SpaceX may increasingly enter index funds and retirement portfolios, meaning millions of ordinary Americans could soon be financially tethered to the emotional stability of men who think that posting during ketamine episodes counts as industrial strategy.

Nothing inspires confidence like realizing your future retirement security may depend on whether a billionaire decides to launch another rocket, invent another chatbot, or spend three straight nights arguing with strangers online about population collapse and consciousness simulation theory. At least Grok isn’t in charge of society yet?

Indigenous Leaders End Up Being The Only Adults In The Room

While Silicon Valley races to build hyperscale AI infrastructure that consumes catastrophic amounts of water and electricity, the Seminole Nation of Oklahoma imposed a moratorium on massive AI data centers over environmental and sovereignty concerns.

Honestly, we are not even surprised. Indigenous communities simply possess a healthier historical skepticism toward powerful outsiders arriving with grand promises about “the future.” After a few centuries of diseased blankets, broken treaties, land grabs, and exploitative schemes, they’ve learned that tech billionaires promising “transformational innovation” should always be met with a cease-and-desist.

Grindr Users Discover CPAC May Soon Become A Cybersecurity Incident

Cybersecurity researchers reported Grindr user data appearing on cybercrime forums, potentially exposing passwords and location information. While this is horrifying enough on its own, remember we now live in a country where data privacy protections are treated like optional software updates nobody reads before clicking “accept.”

This also raises deeply uncomfortable possibilities for future conservative conventions. At the current rate, the next CPAC or RNC gathering may accidentally trigger a nationwide cybersecurity event the moment 37 burner accounts suddenly appear inside the same Marriott lobby. Somewhere, a server farm is already preparing for what experts technically classify as “extreme hypocrisy bandwidth.”

THE BEDBUGS HAVE SECURITY CLEARANCE

Federal Pest-Control Office Shocked To Learn Bedbugs Also Love Government Waste

Reports emerged that the USDA’s Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service — the agency tasked with managing invasive pests and agricultural threats — has an ongoing struggle with bedbug infestations, which honestly feels less like news and more like America’s official national metaphor finally becoming self-aware.

Of course the bedbugs are in the building. The bedbugs are everywhere now. They’re in Congress. They’re in contracting offices. They’re floating through cable news studios, feeding on outrage and stale oxygen. At this point, the insects may actually be the least destructive parasites operating inside the federal government.

Mike Rogers’ Campaign Accidentally Opens The Forbidden Photoshop Tomb

Michigan Senate candidate Mike Rogers spent the week getting roasted online after critics circulated apparently altered campaign imagery that made him look noticeably more buff, alongside an even stranger AI-generated He-Man-style image floating around conservative media ecosystems like a cursed protein shake brought to life.

American politics increasingly feels like it’s being art-directed by a divorced looks-maxxing influencer who discovered Midjourney after three bourbons and a Joe Rogan clip. Candidates no longer just shake hands and kiss babies. They now emerge from digital rendering software looking like they personally defeated ISIS using nothing but testosterone supplements and a tactical flashlight. Somewhere in Michigan, an exhausted campaign intern is desperately trying to lower the saturation on a senator’s biceps before the next image accidentally turns him into Galactus.

Congress Finally Notices The Supreme Court Looks A Little Weird

Representative Steve Cohen (TN-9) introduced articles of impeachment against Chief Justice John Roberts, accusing the Supreme Court of weaponizing the judiciary to elevate Donald Trump above the law following the Court’s sweeping immunity rulings.

Someone finally wandered into the constitutional crime scene, holding paperwork and asking if the smoke might mean something. The Supreme Court didn’t suddenly become politicized yesterday. Americans have spent years watching billionaire-funded judicial activism wrapped in solemn constitutional language while cable news analysts nodded thoughtfully like they were observing sacred legal tradition instead of a lifetime-appointed ideological knife fight.

Missouri Republicans Decide Children’s Literacy ‘Woke’

Missouri lawmakers sharply reduced funding for Dolly Parton’s Imagination Library program, threatening future enrollment for a wildly successful literacy initiative that mails free books to children.

Imagine looking at childhood literacy rates and deciding the real threat to America is Dolly Parton helping kids learn to read. Meanwhile, Dolly is writing songs, funding libraries, and generally behaving more Christian than half the people currently cutting the checks.

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America does not feel like a country anymore. It feels like an extended-stay motel where every room contains a different conspiracy theory, every hallway smells faintly of institutional collapse, and the front desk is staffed by men livestreaming culture wars from the driver’s seat of a bass boat.

The Founding Fathers built three coequal branches of government. In 2026, all three appear to be supervised by a podcast network, a grievance algorithm, and a guy trying to sell tactical coffee online.

The bedbugs aren’t coming anymore. They already have security clearance.

Don’t let the bastards sneak anything past you. Subscribe and get your daily dose of rage and receipts delivered fresh, before the spin doctors can scrub it.

Sources:

Reuters, “Trump appoints ally Bill Pulte as acting US intelligence director,” June 2, 2026

AP, “Trump taps housing regulator Pulte to be acting director of national intelligence,” June 2, 2026

The Guardian, “Trump names Erika Kirk to key advisory board of US Air Force Academy”, March 10, 2026

The Gazette, “Trump appoints Erika Kirk to Air Force Academy board,” March 10, 2026

The Washington Post, “Pentagon hires convicted Jan. 6 rioter for sensitive counterterrorism job,” June 2, 2026

The Guardian, “Pentagon appoints convicted January 6 rioter to sensitive counter-terrorism role,” June 2, 2026

Reuters, “Trump homeland secretary declines to commit to following court orders,” June 2, 2026

Mediaite, “‘My God!’ House Democrat Throws Down With AG Todd Blanche Over Trump-Linked PAC Paying Him Nearly $10M,” June 2, 2026

The Wall Street Journal, “Hegseth Blocks Eight Navy Senior Officer Promotions,” June 1, 2026

The Independent, “Pete Hegseth blocks more promotions of Black and women officers,” June 1, 2026

Federal Register, “Regulation for Federal Financial Assistance,” May 29, 2026