Snarkitorial: The Cult of Personality (and Other Deranged Shrines)
In which the battle of the egos comes to a stunning and frankly predictable crescendo
Welcome—or welcome back—to our semi-regular snarkitorial, our attempt to address the pile of headlines clogging our filters that are just too ridiculous to warrant an entire article. The difference is that instead of a quick news roundup, we give it the snarky treatment it deserves because this timeline? Yeah, it is too weird for the straight treatment.
Think of it as a descent into political hell led by a jaded Gen Xer filled with self-loathing and a healthy dose of WTFism, a world in which fragile egos build monuments, digital tycoons rewrite truth in their own image, and retired justices peek out of their mahogany dens to sigh wistfully at the civil collapse they helped create. This one’s all about the gold-plated fantasy world these people live in, where loyalty is a career, architecture is therapy, and facts are just bumps in a narrative runway.
Strap in. We’re going from wedding cakes to triumphal arches with a few rocket-fueled billionaires along the way. Here are six stories ripped straight from the cursed headlines.
Like your news with a bit of bite? For a limited time only, you can join our ragtag team of resistance snarkers for 20% off, in celebration of recent milestones. (People like us? For real? Odd, but okay.)
Kennedy: “Too personal and confrontational” on SCOTUS
The man who once delivered 5-4 bombshells like wedding cakes now wants the Court to pass around cucumber sandwiches. Retired Justice Anthony Kennedy popped out of whatever leather-bound library he’s been haunting to scold the modern Supreme Court for being too “personal and confrontational.”
This is the same Kennedy who authored key opinions that created today’s judicial battlegrounds. Now he’s horrified that the institution has become a reality show courtroom, where Justices write spicy dissents like they’re auditioning for cable news. He yearns for the good old days of somber, professional disagreement—as if Bush v. Gore didn’t send half the country screaming into their couch pillows.
Kennedy’s calls for civility are rich coming from the man who paved the way for Citizens United and Obergefell in the same breath. But sure, let’s all pretend a return to polite tyranny is just a seminar away.
Jane Goodall’s final wish: Launch the billionaires into orbit
Before her passing, legendary primatologist Jane Goodall recorded one last message to humanity, which reads like a sci-fi revenge comedy: "Please put Donald Trump, Elon Musk, and their ego-toting comrades on a one-way rocket to space, preferably one of Musk’s own.
In the Netflix series Famous Last Words, Goodall essentially submitted a flight manifest for the Planet of Irredeemables. And yes, it was posthumous, but it wasn’t subtle. Musk, Trump, Putin, Netanyahu, and Xi—each got a golden ticket to the galactic timeout corner.
The irony, of course, is that she suggested using Musk’s rockets for the launch, practically begging for the poetic malfunction we all secretly crave. It’s the closest thing to cosmic justice 2025 has offered.
Goodall didn’t just speak for the apes this time. She spoke for the entire exhausted biosphere. Rest in peace, Jane. Your work and your snark inspire us all.
Trump fires Gor, promotes the caddie
It wouldn’t be a Trump administration without an HR plot twist. This week: Sergio Gor, known in Mar-a-Lago circles as the “Mayor of the Lobby,” has been replaced as Director of Presidential Personnel. His replacement? Dan Scavino, a man whose political career started as Trump’s teenage golf caddie and evolved into his meme whisperer.
Yes, in Trumpworld, loyalty isn’t rewarded; it’s promoted with a key to the West Wing staffing room. Scavino, best known for running Trump’s Twitter account back when it could still trigger global meltdowns, now oversees the hiring of federal personnel. Why not let the man who tweeted during an insurrection control who runs Homeland Security?
Meanwhile, Gor is either fired or off to India as an ambassador, depending on which press release you read. That’s not diplomacy so much as exile dressed in a blazer. Congrats, Sergio!
The message is clear: If you want to shape government policy, start by carrying Trump’s clubs. The rest is just vibes and vengeance.
Grokipedia: Now with 100% more algorithmic ego
Elon Musk is building his own Wikipedia. No, not satire. It’s called Grokipedia, because when you’ve got Grok (his chatbot), you clearly need an entire truth ecosystem to back it up. Think of it as Wikipedia but with fewer citations and more fan fiction.
Musk claims Wikipedia is too biased, so he’s unleashing Grok to rewrite reality with machine-learned swagger. Sources? Who needs ‘em. Just ask the bot trained on your tweets. In Grokipedia, Thomas Edison might be listed as a “less successful version of Elon Musk,” and the moon landing will be categorized under “Beta Mars Trials.”
This isn’t information. It’s digital hagiography. Wikipedia’s neutral point of view just lost custody to a guy who once called a diver a pedophile on Twitter. Expect footnotes with links to X.com and definitions like “objective: what Elon thinks today.”
And just to sweeten the dystopia, let’s not forget Grok’s track record so far. The chatbot has already faced backlash for spewing antisemitic tropes, recycling conspiracy theories, and being the worst kind of internet uncle: confident, unqualified, and terminally online. Now imagine that energy poured into a full-blown encyclopedia.
You wanted knowledge. What you got is a tech bro’s ego wrapped in code.
Trump’s Arch of Delusion: A monument to himself
Leave it to Donald Trump to look at the Lincoln Memorial and think, “You know what this town needs? Me. In marble. With wings.” The former president has reportedly teased a grandiose plan to erect a triumphal arch on the National Mall, a structure modeled on the ancient Roman tradition of celebrating victorious emperors. Because obviously, he thinks he qualifies.
This planned monstrosity, sketched out like something from an architect with a Napoleon complex, is to be planted across from the Lincoln Memorial. You know, the one honoring the man who actually saved the Union. Now it may have to share real estate with Trump’s vanity tunnel.
The arch would feature eagles, angels, and perhaps some sort of metaphorical middle finger to history. It’s part of the America250 campaign, a celebration of the country’s 250th birthday, now apparently doubling as a real estate flip for megalomania.
This isn’t just legacy-building. It’s legacy-bludgeoning. Lincoln freed the slaves. Trump wants to enshrine himself as the guy who rage-posted his way through democracy. If this thing gets built, school field trips will have to walk past a shrine to grievance cosplay before reaching anything resembling American ideals.
We don’t need a new monument, America. We need therapy.
No Kings Allowed (Unless He’s Orange?)
In a move so dripping with irony it might short out the Constitution, Trump has labeled the “No Kings” rally as un-American. That’s right. The guy building his own triumphal arch thinks the people saying “we don’t want monarchs” are the real threat to democracy.
These rallies, held around the country by folks worried about authoritarian overreach, have been peaceful, patriotic, and featured just enough colonial cosplay to make the founding fathers blush. They have waved American flags, quoted Thomas Paine, and reminded everyone that we did fight a revolution to not be bossed around by powdered wigs and inherited delusions. The next, scheduled for October 18th, is gearing up to be monumental (see what we did there?), so of course, he’s trying to control the narrative.
Because in Trump’s world, anyone who questions his divine right to tweet executive orders must be a traitor. The man wants to carve his name in granite, but melts down over people holding signs that say “no crowns in America.”
Maybe the arch should include a moat just to complete the aesthetic.
So there you have it. As the orange sun sets behind a soon-to-be-marble Trump arch, the last echoes of “civility” waft from Kennedy’s leather armchair like old cologne. If you’re still wondering why the political class is hellbent on mythmaking, just remember: when reality fails, they build statues — or worse, websites. Don’t worry, we’ll clean up the mess in our next edition, assuming we survive the next glitch.
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Receipts: Because even our therapists tell us this isn’t just another feverdream
“Anthony Kennedy Says ‘Too Much Partisanship’ Harms Supreme Court” — Bloomberg
“Former Justice Kennedy laments coarse discourse of Trump era, effects on Supreme Court” — Associated Press via Maryland Daily Record
“Jane Goodall, in Her Last Words to the World, Shares Wish to Launch Donald Trump and Elon Musk on One‑Way Trip to Space” — People.com
“Jane Goodall said she would launch Trump and Musk on one‑way trip into space” — The Guardian
“Trump eyes a triumphal arch to mark America’s 250th anniversary” — The Washington Post
“Arc de Trump: Is the White House building a triumphal arch outside Arlington National Cemetery?” — Architectural Record
“Elon Musk also has a problem with Wikipedia” — The New Yorker
“Wikipedia Fires Back at Elon Musk” — Newsweek
“Trump names Dan Scavino to lead White House personnel office” — Reuters
“Trump announces shakeup at top of WH personnel office” — foxnews.com
“‘Terrorist wing’: GOP links Democrats to antifa ahead of ‘No Kings Day’” — Alternet
“Johnson describes planned No Kings rally as ‘hate America,’ ‘pro-Hamas’ gathering” - POLITICO
 | A guest post by
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I remember when Kennedy was confirmed by the Senate. He addressed a group of people and raised a fist and declared "the rule of law!" Not that it would do much good, but I wish someone would ask him now what he thinks of enabling a president who stole classified documents, flaunted the a moment's clause, flaunted the hatch act, was convicted of fraud, is an adjudicated sexual predator, a very probable pedophile rapist, uses the military to attack US citizens and plan to use cities as battle testing grounds. The list could go on a lot longer.
Is that your idea of the rule of law Mr. Kennedy?