While the Rich Flee Gravity: Gulags, Gambling & Government Grift
The gravity of the moment is optional when you have a rocket seat
Welcome to the shitshow, fellow witnesses to the dystopia that is America under Trump2.0. Grab your favorite beverage (no judgment— it’s doom o’clock somewhere), emotional support protest sign, and settle in for another edition of the Coffman Chronicle Snarkitorial. Because nothing says “functioning democracy” like deportation fantasies, MAGA martyrdom, betting on snow, and billionaires playing geopolitical Jenga, let’s dig in to the last few days of absurdity.
Hot Mic from Hell: Trump Plots 'Homegrown' Deportations
During a friendly little fascist chat with El Salvador’s President Bukele, Trump was caught on a hot mic fantasizing about using El Salvador’s mega-prison system to hold American citizens. “The homegrowns are next,” he said, cheerfully requesting “five more” CECOTs like ordering more ketchup for his fries. Because nothing says “law and order” like outsourcing gulags.
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And because cruelty never travels alone, the dictatorial bromance descended into one-upmanship before enjoying a special moment with an unprompted anti-trans rant mid-meeting, just to remind everyone that no policy is too dystopian to skip a quick culture war sidebar.
The Constitution is reportedly seeking sanctuary in Nova Scotia, and Shady Vance is seriously ticked off that Bukele managed to depict villain-chic without a tie or eyeliner.
Meanwhile, everyone’s favorite (cough) Press Secretary, Bullshit Barbie, was epicly trolled for being a hypocrite. Color us all shocked.
Harvard to Trump: We'd Rather Starve Than Be Stupid
The Trump regime told Harvard to dismantle DEI programs or lose $2.3B in federal funds. Harvard replied with the academic equivalent of “kiss our crimson. Columbia, which folded like an origami Mitch McConnell and still didn’t get paid, looked on with envy as Harvard’s 200+ years of wealthy alumni began writing checks.
Ever petty, Trump immediately questioned their tax-exempt status, leading millions to wave emphatically at churches with full wtf energy. We call his higher education funding model ransom note with a gold-plated lapel pin. Once again, his need to be accepted by the elite is nearly as robust as the average Harvard accent or stock portfolio.
Thanedar’s Taxpayer Portrait Collection
In a move clearly inspired by the Dictator-in-Chief, Michigan Rep. Shri Thanedar dropped six figures of taxpayer scratch on oil paintings of himself in multiple offices. His justification? It makes constituents feel welcome. Because nothing says “accessibility” like a taxpayer-funded self-portrait gallery for a man who makes George Santos look understated. No word on whether Colorado’s Trump portraitist was included in the artist selection.
California Extends Booze O’Clock—Because Global Sports Deserve Global Hangovers
Pete Hegseth’s dream has finally come true, and California lawmakers want last call pushed to 4 a.m. in honor of the Olympics and the 2026 World Cup. Nothing says international diplomacy like drunk tourists stumbling out of bars while ICE rounds up immigrants in the background. Bold of Cali to assume anyone in the world feels safe to visit the former “land of the free”, even for a once-in-a-lifetime medal or trophy. But hey, maybe it will improve America’s gold count by having our athletes’ foreign competition detained mid-margarita.
Pete Hegseth Gets the Willies at the Panama Canal
Pete Hegseth visited the Panama Canal and returned convinced he had felt communism. While the former Fox personality didn’t elaborate on what a political ideology feels like, pundits point out that other than public drunkenness and a hangover, it is unclear that Heggy has felt anything in decades. Not to get too mired in those pesky facts, but Panama is a representative democracy with three branches of government, so maybe what Hegseth meant to say was the vibe wasn’t giving Trump-esque dictatorship with a side of oligarchial taint. I guess nothing says Marxist like reinforced concrete and engineering you don’t understand.
Assassination Plots: The Unholy Trinity of Chaos
Three men, three plots, and not one Antifa hoodie among them. In the last few days, the cases of three men charged with planning attempts on Trump are moving through the courts.
Nikita Casap, a neo-Nazi in Wisconsin, murdered his family and plotted to kill Trump to start a race war in hopes of destablizing the government, with possible help from online Russian contacts. His inspiration? To impress his homies with the Order of Nine Angles, an extremist group characterized by combining elements of white supremacy, Satanism, and anti-Semitism (oh my!).
Ryan Routh, a former Trump voter, who apparently thought the best way to defend democracy was by plotting to snipe Trump on a golf course (You know it's serious when the Secret Service has to patrol sand traps.), is now facing trial in September.
Meanwhile, in Butler, PA, where Trump suffered ear trauma last year, another man—Shawn Monper, a.k.a. “Mr. Satan” (subtle!)—was arrested for online rants threatening to assassinate Trump and ICE agents. His preferred platform? YouTube. His vibe? Budget Bond villain meets incel Twitch streamer. Seriously, what is going on in Butler?
Ohio GOP Outlaws Democracy (Again)
Ohio Republicans want to ban drop boxes and require proof of citizenship to vote. Why? No fraud. No facts. Just vibes and a fear of people who vote. “Election integrity” apparently means hiding ballots in a vault behind a Chick-fil-A. Nothing says you are on the winning side like needing subterfuge to be victorious.
DOGE to Global Kids: Get Back in the Mine
Elon’s beloved DOGE project just slashed funding to fight global child labor. Programs that pulled 78 million kids out of exploitation? Gone. But never fear! Florida and other states are modifying their laws to make child labor legal domestically so we don’t have to worry about sending our shame overseas.
Meanwhile, DOGE has yet to find a single Musk-aligned contract that should be cut. Not sus at all. When your efficiency project enables child slavery but can’t cut Elon’s payroll, it’s not efficient—just evil. The headline announcing Musk’s transition to foreign manufacture of Cybertrucks hasn’t materialized yet, but the current timeline practically demands it.
Katy Perry, Gayle King, and the Billionaire Space Barbie Dream House
While Earth melts, democracy wheezes, and kids are forced back into factories thanks to DOGE’s definition of "efficiency," Katy Perry, Gayle King, and Jeff Bezos’ fiancée blasted off into the atmosphere for a luxury space field trip courtesy of Bezos’ curiously phallic rocket.
The 11-minute Blue Origin joyride, complete with designer spacewear and awkward PR optics, sent Perry and friends to the edge of space. Meanwhile, back on Earth, climate scientists screamed into the void and Jeff’s rocket burned enough fuel to toast a midsize glacier.
The world is literally on fire, and the rich are singing show tunes in low orbit. We have officially reached Marie Antoinette in a flight suit.
Tesla Expands to Saudi Arabia—Because Irony is Dead
Speaking of Tesla, Musk launched the beleaguered car assembler in Saudi Arabia this week. Because who better to lead the EV revolution than a country powered by literal oil wells? The Cybertruck—already allergic to rain—will now battle desert sand. It’s Blade Runner meets Looney Tunes.
Alaska Bets on Snow While Trump Wrecks the Economy
The Alaska House just legalized betting on snowfall amounts, because with Trump’s tariffs tanking supply chains and lawsuits piling up from every industry, why not wager on the weather? At least climate collapse pays out in scratch-offs now. Who needs economic growth when you’ve got seasonal gambling?
OpenAI Considers Launching Twitter But Make It Sadder
OpenAI is reportedly planning a social network to rival X. Apparently, the only thing worse than rage-tweeting Elon Musk is rage-threading with ChatGPT moderating your mentions. Next: AI-powered blockchains for your arguments. Who needs privacy when a neural net with daddy issues runs your digital town square? The proposed platform’s free speech position remains unknown, but one wonders if an enraged AI might deplatform you by nuking your IP.
AI to Devour All Electricity While Trump Revives Coal
And while we are on the topic of AI, megarich former Google CEO Eric Schmidt told Congress AI could soon use 99% of global electricity. Trump responded by reviving “clean coal” and declaring it a critical mineral. It’s like Black Mirror written by a coal lobbyist. Expect reports soon of AI running the DOJ from a server farm in Appalachia while the rest of us fight over batteries. It’s a symphony of sci-fi horror and fossil-fueled delusion.
Welcome to the Matrix, powered by mountaintop removal.
Tariffs So Bad Even Capitalists Are Suing
Trump’s tariffs are so devastating that small businesses and multinational corporations are now suing in unison. If you can’t unite a divided country with love, try mutual financial ruin. Bipartisanship is back, baby—thanks to shared suffering.
Bernie & AOC Take the Stage (and the Mic, and the Spotlight)
While Trump was busy plotting gulags and tariffs, Bernie Sanders and AOC have been on their own world tour—less “Eras” and more “End the Oligarchs.” Their "Fighting Oligarchy" barnstorm is pulling stadium-level crowds in places that usually only vote blue for irrigation.
In Salt Lake City, 15,000 packed in to hear the gospel of wealth redistribution. In Nampa, Idaho, another 12,500. Idahoans haven’t gathered that enthusiastically since Costco had a propane special.
And because politics is now Coachella-core, Bernie showed up at the actual Coachella and delivered a speech so scorching it nearly melted the VIP section. While Trump was mugging for UFC cameras in Florida, Bernie was dragging fossil fuel execs to a beat drop.
We now live in a world where a democratic socialist is the hottest ticket in red states and music festivals. The revolution may not be televised, but it will be livestreamed, with a side of vegan street tacos.
Final Scene: The Dumpster Is Still Burning
The last few days gave us gulag outsourcing, assassination plot bingo, Cybertrucks in the sand, and a new climate-based betting economy. America is no longer a country—it’s a prestige dystopian limited series with unlimited sequels.
We’ll summarize the absurdity again soon, unless the Substack servers are melted down to power Musk’s toaster, the Tesla showroom is buried in a sandstorm, and the Constitution is deported for subversive speech. Until then, finalize your April 19th protest signs (these days the options are endless), keep fighting the good (if absurd) fight, and drink up! Dehydrated coup-fighters are too easy to haul off quietly.
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Receipts, because we wouldn’t believe this crap either if we hadn’t seen it with our own eyes:
Alaska Beacon. “Alaska House Approves Organized Betting on Snowfall Amounts.” Alaska Beacon, April 13, 2025.
Vincent, James. “OpenAI May Launch Social Network to Compete with Musk’s X.” The Verge, April 11, 2025.
Bajak, Frank. “Ex-Google CEO Eric Schmidt Warns AI Could Use 99% of Global Electricity.” Associated Press, April 12, 2025.
White House. “Executive Order on Reinvigorating America’s Beautiful Clean Coal Industry.” WhiteHouse.gov, April 10, 2025.
Reimann, Nicholas. “Small Businesses Sue Trump over Tariffs: ‘Trade Deficits Not an Emergency.’” New York Post, April 15, 2025.
DeBarros, Anthony. “Companies Stung by Tariffs Explore Lawsuit Against Trump.” Wall Street Journal, April 14, 2025.
U.S. Department of Justice. “Ryan Wesley Routh Indicted for Attempted Assassination of Former President Trump.” Justice.gov, April 8, 2025.
U.S. Department of Justice. “Pennsylvania Man Charged with Making Threats to Assault and Murder President Donald J. Trump.” Justice.gov, April 11, 2025.
Lang, Nico. “Trump and El Salvador’s Bukele Launch into Anti-Trans Rant in Oval Office Meeting.” Them, April 11, 2025.
Reuters. “Cybertrucks in the Desert: Tesla Launches in Saudi Arabia.” Reuters, April 10, 2025.
Neavling, Steve. “Hollier Launches Third Bid Against Thanedar for Detroit Congressional Seat.” Metro Times, April 14, 2025.
Reuters. “Katy Perry Launches into Space with All-Female Crew on Blue Origin Rocket.” Reuters, April 14, 2025.
Associated Press. “Bernie Sanders and AOC Draw Huge Crowds in Conservative States on ‘Fighting Oligarchy’ Tour.” AP News, April 13, 2025.
New York Post. “Coachella 2025: Bernie Sanders Delivers Ranting Speech at Festival as Trump Thrills UFC Crowd in Florida.” New York Post, April 13, 2025.
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