Stars, Stripes, and Surveillance Logs (Now With Extra Musk!)

This week in federal efficiency: faked deaths, spiritual warfare, and one very patriotic elephant denied plumbing upgrades.

In this special deluxe weekend edition of the snarkitorial, if you’re just tuning in, everything’s still on fire.

Welcome back to the funhouse fire we call a government. In the last few days, the administration dropped so many flaming bags of policy on the nation’s doorstep, even the watchdogs ran out of extinguishers. Deporting green card holders for their thoughts? Defunding elephants? Cabinet members praising Dear Leader on live TV? We’re not governing—we’re speedrunning collapse.

DEAD MEN FILE NO TAXES

After decades of insisting undocumented immigrants don’t pay taxes, the Trump administration is now using their IRS records to track them down. Even better: the Social Security Administration helpfully declared thousands of migrants legally dead. Because nothing says "government efficiency" like faking your death to cancel your benefits and make you disappear. Next up: ICE’s new invisibility cloak division.

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MIRACLE ON PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE: THE FAITH-BASED DIPLOMACY EDITION

Secretary of State Marco Rubio is now crowdsourcing reports of anti-Christian bias from embassy staff. Meanwhile, a judge decided that a green card holder can be deported for past or future political beliefs. The First Amendment would like to file for asylum literally anywhere else.

Bonus: As the economy buckled under tariff shocks, Trump’s spiritual advisor appeared on Newsmax to announce she had “cancelled” the spirit of darkness “hovering over America.” It's good to know someone’s addressing the economic collapse from the spiritual side. I feel safer. You?

FREEDOM FROM BOOKS

The Pentagon’s spring cleaning included chucking Maya Angelou from the Naval Academy library and other military institutions—but fear not! Mein Kampf got to stay. Libraries nationwide are under siege, with the administration trying to shut down the Institute of Museum and Library Services and hijacking the federal grant database. Librarians have responded the only way they know how: with a protest read-in. Honestly, it’s the calmest revolution we’ve got going.

THE SURVEILLANCE STATE GETS PETTY

Dozens of DHS and FEMA staffers were forced to take lie detector tests over leaks. Apparently, they forgot the technology isn’t even admissible in court. For the harder nuts to crack, RFK and his worm will be delivering truth serum next week. Meanwhile, DOGE is using AI to monitor federal workers’ chats for signs of disloyalty, because who needs whistleblowers when you can have snitches coded in Python? Orwell called. He wants royalties.

THE DOGE THAT ATE THE BUDGET

Elon Musk’s government efficiency project has once again slashed its predicted savings (now down from $1 trillion to $250 billion), and may ultimately cost more than it saves. Shocker. DOGE has burned through tens of millions, slashed essential services, and cut a half-million earmarked for restoring Lucy the Elephant, because nothing says fiscal responsibility like gutting a beloved landmark to fund federal spying. Even Peter Thiel’s Palantir is in on the act, helping DOGE build a mega-API for IRS data. That’s not efficiency. That’s a Bond villain origin story.

Lucy, targeted by her fellow Elephants. And Dems are the asses?

TARIFFS, TREES, AND TOTAL NONSENSE

Trump’s tariffs applied to uninhabited islands (except penguins and seals) were a brilliant move to close "loopholes,” according to Lutnick. Uh huh, sure. And the inspiration for China’s 34% retaliatory tariff? According to some sources, it is one percent for each of his felony counts. Xi got snark! Meanwhile, 45/47 replaced the historic Jackson magnolia with a “MAGAnolia” sapling. It’s less a presidency and more a live-action Onion article.

MUSK, MOONLIGHTING

Elon Musk was kicked out of a German space exhibit and is now under EU investigation for training Grok AI on your tweets. The Irish privacy watchdog group has not revealed whether a notable chat lilt was the tipoff. But he’s still running your government. Democrats want him out by May 30 (the original date given for the end of DOGE as he is a temporary employee so…. thanks for the rigorous defense of our democracy? I guess?), before he teaches Grok to run the DOJ from a Tesla dashboard.

Nope, definitely not a cult

CABINET PRAISE CIRCLE

Trump held a Cabinet meeting where everyone took turns complimenting him on national television following his inspiring crash of the economy. We’d call it a hostage situation, but at least those usually have a list of demands. Oh, wait. There are demands: loyalty, gold-plated lapel pins, a military birthday parade, and possibly purchasing the loyalty of the citizens of Greenland.

NO ONE EXPORTS BAD IDEAS LIKE AMERICA

Marine Le Pen was recently sentenced to prison for embezzling millions in public funds. Naturally, Trump and Musk came to her defense, because when you’ve built your brand on authoritarian cosplay, you’ve got to stand by your global franchisees.

Meanwhile, in Australia, a conservative candidate handed out Easter eggs to schoolchildren (big no-no), while another politician tested out the slogan "Make Australia Great Again,” proving that bad taste and worse ideas really do make it across the Pacific.

And in Canada? Captain Canuck is back—like, really back. Following Trump’s threats to annex Canada, the 50th anniversary issue of the classic Canadian superhero comic shows Canuck wagging a disapproving finger in Trump’s face. He’s become an unlikely symbol of national defiance, with his creator crediting the Trump era for a full-blown resurgence in interest and licensing. As for other Trump comic cameos, Marvel once turned him into M.O.D.A.A.K. (Mental Organism Designed As America’s King) in 2016’s Spider-Gwen Annual. No word if the giant head with tiny hands will reappear, but this time around? We’d like to respectfully request Musk as a bumbling sidekick. We’ve workshopped some possible names. Might we suggest M.U.S.K.: Mechanical Underling Serving the King or M.E.L.O.N.: Mechanized Entity Lacking Original Notions.

Marvel Spider-Gwen Annual #1 (2016) featuring M.O.D.A.A.K.

GRAB BAG OF GHOULISHNESS

Linda McMahon confused AI with A1 sauce. Rep. Ryan Mackenzie blamed undocumented immigrants for a U.S. measles outbreak, leading to a stream of “I told you they were stealing our jobs” from the anti-vax crew. The Social Security website told poor and disabled Americans they weren’t getting checks anymore between crashes. Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent suggested laid-off federal workers could fill all the new factory jobs he predicts tariffs will bring stateside. And Trump exempted his own ads from efficiency review, because of course he did. And finally, on Friday, Trump had his first physical of the new administration. We anticipate random lists of words for weeks to come.

THE CREDITS ROLL, THE FIRE BURNS ON

Happy weekend, America! Thirty-some-odd absurdities, one banana republic cosplay. The House Dems say they want Musk out by May 30. Until then, DOGE keeps chewing through democracy like it's made of server cables and taxpayer dollars. See you next time, assuming the Constitution hasn’t been reclassified as inefficient. Efficiency means never having to say you’re constitutional.

That’s it for Sunday! We’ve all earned a stiff drink, stronger meds, and perhaps a brief vacation in a padded room for surviving (mostly) week 12 of The Pax Muskiana. As for the Coffman Chronicle Team, we are taking the rest of the weekend off to disassociate and try to burn the unbidden images of a Trump physical exam from our brains.

Receipts! Because seriously? We couldn’t make this shit up if we tried. Around here, we flay fascism with footnotes.

• Stern, Jessica. "Trump Admin Uses IRS Records to Track Undocumented Workers, SSA Lists Thousands as Deceased." Associated Press, April 10, 2025.

• Beck, Jason. "Rubio Orders Inquiry into Anti-Christian Bias in U.S. Embassies." The Guardian, April 9, 2025.

• Martin, Andrew. "Columbia Student Faces Deportation Over Political Beliefs." The Wall Street Journal, April 8, 2025.

• Associated Press. "Navy Removes DEI-Related Books from Academy Library." AP News, April 8, 2025.

• Reuters. "DOGE Uses AI to Monitor Federal Workers; DHS Orders Polygraph Tests." Reuters, April 9, 2025.

• Futurism Staff. "DOGE Spending Surpasses Savings Target in Just Weeks." Futurism, April 10, 2025.

• NBC10 Philadelphia. "Federal Funding Pulled from Lucy the Elephant." NBC Philadelphia, April 11, 2025.

• New York Post. "Commerce Sec Defends Tariffs on Islands with No People." New York Post, April 8, 2025.

• Artnet News. "German Museum Removes Elon Musk from Space Gallery." Artnet, April 10, 2025.

• AP Staff. "Ireland Investigates X over Personal Data for Grok AI." Associated Press, April 11, 2025.

• CNN. "Trump’s Cabinet Offers Praise During Market Downturn." CNN, April 9, 2025.

• The Guardian. "Australia's Opposition Caught Using 'Make Australia Great Again' Slogan." The Guardian Australia, April 11, 2025.

• NDTV. "Trump Depicted as Supervillain in Canadian Comic; Musk as Sidekick." NDTV, April 12, 2025.

• CBS News. "Social Security Error Cuts Off Payments for Thousands." CBS News, April 9, 2025.

• The Daily Beast. "Education Secretary McMahon Calls AI ‘A1.’" The Daily Beast, April 8, 2025.

• Newsweek. "Ryan Mackenzie Blames Immigrants for Measles Outbreak." Newsweek, April 12, 2025.

• MSN. "Trump Administration Exempts Presidential Self-Congratulatory Ads from DOGE Scrutiny." MSN News, April 11, 2025.

• WIRED. "Palantir and DOGE Working on IRS Data Access System." WIRED, April 9, 2025.

• Axios. "Democrats Launch Effort to Oust Elon Musk from DOGE Role." Axios, April 9, 2025.

• MSN. "Trump Planning Military Parade on Birthday Despite Budget Cuts." MSN News, April 10, 2025.

• Kirchick, James. “Trump's Plan for Laid-Off Federal Workers: Get a Factory Job.” New York Magazine, April 10, 2025.