Another week online has left the national attention span looking like it came out of a house fire. Instead of asking the timeline to explain itself, we’re turning it over to the professionals with crayons.
Welcome to the Sunday Funnies.
PREMIUM UNLEADED, PREMIUM EVENING
We’ve reached the point where “date night” is just putting on your good shirt and watching the pump ask whether you’d like to finance. At these prices, the complimentary mint is whatever you find under the driver’s seat.
DEWEY DECIMAL? NEVER HEARD OF HER
We spent centuries building temples to human knowledge, only to discover the future needed somewhere to generate a picture of George Washington riding a shrimp. In 2026, progress is measured in megawatts and increasingly nervous utility bills.
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD CENTS
The penny looked at Mitch McConnell and realized this retirement package has some serious loopholes. Somewhere, a nickel just quietly updated its résumé.
FARMAGEDDON
These days, “tightening your belt” is less financial advice than an OSHA violation. The American farmer would like to unsubscribe from character-building experiences.
THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS
It appears “fake news” gets a lot less convenient when it stops showing up. Nothing says master of the media cycle like holding a press event for the ficus. We must admit, though, our blood pressure is beginning to recover a touch.
That’s enough civilization for one week. Please exit through the gift shop, silence your notifications, and avoid eye contact with Monday.
Until next time, may your headlines be innocuous, your prescriptions strong enough, and your mental health just a touch more manageable.