The Empire Wears No Pants

A Sith Pope, a Space Mayor, and a Derby Horse Walk Into a Democracy...

If you thought last week’s news cycle was absurd, congratulations: the Republic has leveled up. Between the Jedi cosplay, dolphin distress signals, and actual conversations about invading Greenland, it’s getting harder to tell where the satire ends and the press releases begin. In this edition of the Coffman Chronicle Snarkitorial, the Constitution is now optional, space billionaires are building company towns, and Congress is a retirement home with subpoena power.. Let’s dive into the latest proof that reality has been outsourced to a group chat with zero moderators (and probably fistfuls of hallucinogens).

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The Constitution Is Just a Suggestion

In a sit-down interview, Trump was asked two fairly basic questions for someone holding the nuclear codes:

1. Are all people entitled to due process?

2. Are you bound by the U.S. Constitution?

His responses? “I don’t know,” and “I’m not a lawyer.” Bold strategy from a man who took an oath to preserve, protect, and defend it, presumably between bites of McDonald’s. Perhaps he, too, blocked the image of his funereal evil Puritan spouse from his memory banks.

He also spent the week floating a rebrand of Veterans Day to “Victory Day for World War II,” which, aside from being historically off, didn’t go over great with actual veterans. The backlash was so immediate that even Truth Social couldn’t algorithmically bury it.

And just in case you forgot who’s footing the bill for all this nostalgia cosplay, Trump also defended his upcoming birthday military parade, calling the expense “peanuts compared to the value.” Peanuts! We’re talking millions of dollars in federal coordination and equipment for a glorified power fantasy. But hey, it’s cheaper than paying his legal fees.

Musk’s Excellent Government Adventure

Elon Musk marked the end of his stint running the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) with a surreal recap: late-night Häagen-Dazs in the Lincoln Bedroom, long days "optimizing" federal agencies, video games in his “tiny” office, and a near-death-level sign-off—“At least I didn’t get shot.” An inspiring standard for future civil servants.

Reflecting on his role, Musk compared his absence to “Buddhism without Buddha,” because apparently, government reform is now a religion, and he is its deity. He also claimed DOGE has already saved $160 billion and slashed 20,000 jobs, but critics say the cuts will cost taxpayers $135 billion and gut vital services like food aid, weather tracking, and disaster response. So... efficiency by subtraction.

Meanwhile, back in Texas, 97.7% of residents in a SpaceX-heavy area voted to incorporate as Starbase. Musk effectively governs the workforce and the local ZIP code in this literal company town. Add to that Tesla’s 80.7% sales collapse in Sweden and spreading losses across Europe, and you’ve got a man who’s reshaping government and free-falling markets simultaneously. Synergy.

AI Trump and the Culture Wars Expanded Universe

Trump’s digital ego retook center stage this week, starting with a bizarre AI image of himself dressed as the Pope. It wasn’t satire. It wasn’t ironic. It was posted with complete sincerity. Not to be outdone, the White House followed up with a May the 4th tribute featuring a jacked, glowing-eyed Trump dressed as a Jedi, wielding a red lightsaber, traditionally reserved for Sith Lords. Subtle.

Sen. Lindsey Graham, who never misses a chance to abase himself in the most memeable way possible, said they should “consider” the Pope idea. In a just world, that would be a joke. In this one, it's a trial balloon.

And back in the real world (barely), Rep. Mike Collins had a full-blown public meltdown after a Capitol food court replaced a Steak ’n Shake with a halal-serving Asian vendor, calling it the “Muslim conquest of Jerusalem.” Yes, over a burger. You’d think the actual problem was the conquest of his cholesterol levels.

Meanwhile, after a closed-door meeting with Trump, MLB officials are considering lifting Pete Rose’s lifetime ban. Because in today’s America, gambling on baseball is bad, unless you're old, famous, and endorsed by a former president dressed as a Sith Pope.

Sovereignty Is Dead, Long Live Sovereignty

The horse named Sovereignty won the Kentucky Derby this weekend, crossing the finish line with all the gravitas of a metaphor galloping straight into a wall of irony. Because at almost the same time, Trump was out here refusing to rule out military action to seize Greenland. Yes, again. Yes, seriously.

When asked about it, Trump said the island's strategic value “can’t be ignored." While Denmark has already made it clear Greenland isn’t for sale, Trump has apparently moved on to the ‘we’ll just take it’ phase of his foreign policy. Perhaps this explains the increased military budget: for fur coats and polar bear defense.

Meanwhile, Trump’s international influence seems to be a perfect reverse barometer for electoral outcomes: Germany formally denounced the far-right AfD, Canada stayed liberal, and Australia voted to keep its progressive government. It's like global politics saw the AI Sith Pope and collectively hit the emergency brake.

Aging, Aliens, and Oversight

Capitol Hill got a double-dose of “wait, what?” this week.

First, the UAP Disclose Fund hosted a public briefing on unidentified aerial phenomena (a.k.a. UFOs). It featured scientists, former military personnel, and a growing sense that Congress is less alarmed by the possibility of alien visitors than by having to explain acronyms again.

Then, in a move that makes the DNC’s recent rebuke of 24-year-old David Hogg look especially on-the-nose, 87-year-old Eleanor Holmes Norton announced she’s running for Ranking Member of the Oversight Committee. Yes, Oversight. Yes, the one that’s supposed to look toward the future. Maybe cataracts help?

Apparently, in Congress, you're never too young to be told to wait your turn, and never too old to take one more.

Government: For Sale, By Lawsuit

The DOJ announced it will pay $30 million to the family of Ashli Babbitt, the woman fatally shot while storming the Capitol as Congress was still in session on January 6. If you're wondering how we got to the point where an insurrectionist’s family receives a taxpayer-funded payout, you're not alone, and probably not in charge.

In “resume optional” appointments, Houston Rockets owner Tilman Fertitta was confirmed as the new U.S. ambassador to Italy. Because nothing says diplomatic nuance like someone who once tried to trademark “Catch of the Day.” Can’t wait for him to explain Neapolitan pizza to actual Neapolitans.

And then there’s Stephen Miller, who took a break from haunting chandeliers to file a lawsuit against Chief Justice John Roberts, demanding the court stop rejecting Trump policies. You can almost hear him hissing, “I find your lack of loyalty disturbing.”

Finally, in trade war news, Trump waved off concerns about holiday shortages, saying, “Maybe the children will have two dolls instead of 30.” It’s Marie Antoinette meets Toys “R” Us liquidation sale.

Signs of the Times

• Dolphins Say “WTF”: Scientists discovered dolphins use a distinct whistle when things go sideways. It’s being informally called the “WTF whistle.” Finally, someone else gets how it feels to live through 2025.

• Robot Race: Not Even Close: Beijing hosted a half-marathon for humanoid robots. Most wiped out. One spun in circles, hit a wall, and took its handler down—still more grace than Congress.

• Apocalypse Vibes: Iran got a downpour of blood-red rain this week while Myanmar arrested an astrologer for predicting a giant earthquake. Between omens and overreactions, we’re firmly in Book of Revelations territory.

• Fashion for the End Times: The latest trend? $150 “nap dresses” designed for dozing off and dining out. Collapse, but make it chic.

Quote of the Week

Shilo Sanders on Trump’s posts about his brother:
“If the President is tweeting about you, something’s wrong.”

Sovereignty, Shrugged

So there you have it: a nation led by a man who doesn't know if he’s bound by the law, advised by a man suing the Chief Justice, and shadow-governed by a tech mogul who thinks Buddhism is a scalable startup. If the aliens did show up this week, they probably took one look and backed away slowly. But hey, the horses still believe in sovereignty, even if the humans don’t.

Bibliography: (All stories confirmed via mainstream news outlets, public statements, and deep sighs from exhausted democracy-watchers.)

• People. White House Shares AI-Generated Star Wars Photo of Donald Trump. May 4, 2025.

• AP News. Trump posts AI image of himself as Pope. May 2, 2025.

• Heavy. Shilo Sanders Responds to Trump’s Truth Social Post About Shedeur. May 2, 2025.

• Newsweek. Elon Musk Talks About Ice Cream & Lincoln Bedroom. May 2, 2025.

• The Guardian. SpaceX town of Starbase approved in Texas. May 3, 2025.

• Reuters. Tesla Sales Crash in Sweden and Europe. May 2, 2025.

• CBS News. Sovereignty wins 151st Kentucky Derby. May 3, 2025.

• Star Tribune. US to pay family of Ashli Babbitt $30M. May 2, 2025.

• Texas Tribune. Tilman Fertitta Confirmed as Ambassador to Italy. April 29, 2025.

• Democracy Docket. Stephen Miller Sues Chief Justice Roberts. May 2, 2025.

• New York Post. Blood rain stains Iran’s Hormuz Island red. May 2, 2025.

• The Times. Scientists Discover Dolphin WTF Whistle. May 1, 2025.

• CBS News. TikTok astrologer arrested for predicting another powerful earthquake in Myanmar, spreading panic. April 24, 2025.

• Business Insider. Humanoid robots tripped and fell and took down a handler during a half-marathon in Beijing. April 20, 2025.

• Page Six. Yes, you can wear a Nap Dress outside the house – just ask our editors. April 18, 2025.

• InStyle. All of Spring's Most Flattering Styles Have This One Detail in Common. April 10, 2025.

• Forward. Rep. Mike Collins compares House restaurant to Muslim conquest. May 2, 2025.

• Axios. Scoop: Holmes Norton passes on House Oversight bid. April 30, 2025.