Versailles on the Potomac, Floating Cybertrucks, and Columbus Rising: Welcome to Absurdistan
Welcome to Monday. The headlines are wild, your coffee better be stronger.
If you woke up wondering whether you accidentally stumbled into a political satire this week, rest assured—you did. From the Federal Reserve deciding now’s the perfect time to cosplay French royalty, to Elon Musk discovering that his Cybertruck is less "amphibious beast" and more "expensive paperweight," America continues its brave sprint into the theater of the absurd.
And just when you thought it couldn’t get wilder, Trump’s out here resurrecting Columbus Day, Melania’s serving "Let Them Eat Cake" energy on Instagram, and DOGE is treating the FAA like a clearance sale.
So buckle up, because reality isn’t just stranger than fiction these days. It’s mocking it.
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The Palace, The Queen, and The King
The Federal Reserve’s $2.5 Billion Versailles Makeover
While most Americans are checking their bank accounts before daring to buy eggs, the Federal Reserve has decided it's time for a little... zhuzh. And by "zhuzh," we mean a $2.5 billion facelift of its D.C. headquarters. Because nothing says "we’re in touch with economic realities" like building a palace during mounting financial losses.
Andrew T. Levin, an economics professor (and apparently part-time comedian), summed it up best: “The Federal Reserve is building the Palace of Versailles on the National Mall.”
Meanwhile, Melania Turned 55... In Style
As Americans grapple with inflation, the White House social media team thought, “You know what the people need? Glam shots of Melania.” And so, in honor of her 55th birthday, we were graced with high-fashion portraits that could’ve doubled as Vogue covers.
Because when the economy’s teetering and democracy’s on life support, nothing soothes the masses like a reminder that at least someone is enjoying luxury. Let them eat cake? No, let them scroll Instagram.
Trump Declares: Columbus Day Will Rise Again
In case you missed it between sinking trucks and skyrocketing interest rates, Trump has vowed to "bring Columbus Day back from the ashes." Yes, that Columbus—the one historians largely agree did more "initiating centuries of oppression" than "discovering" anything. You know, less “heroic explorer” and more “deadly tourist”?
While the rest of the world moves toward nuance and accountability, Trump’s over here dusting off history books from 1950 and declaring, “Make Exploration Great Again.”
Elon’s DOGE Days & The Art of Sinking
The Cybertruck That Couldn’t
Elon Musk once boldly claimed that the Cybertruck could double as a boat. One proud owner decided to put that theory to the test this week. Spoiler alert: it didn’t float; it sank. Because, shockingly, when you design a truck with the aerodynamics of a cinder block and slap on a stainless steel exoskeleton, it’s less James Bond submarine and more anchor.
Tesla hasn’t commented, but somewhere, Elon’s probably tweeting that it was "user error" because clearly, the problem wasn’t trusting a billionaire’s offhand comment over fundamental physics.
DOGE Cuts FAA Staff… As Planes Keep Falling
Not content with just sinking trucks, Musk’s DOGE—because, of course, the guy who brought you meme coins is now running government agencies—decided to slash 300 jobs from the FAA. All while, coincidentally, plane crash numbers are ticking up. Nothing to see here, folks! Just fewer regulators watching the skies. Who needs air safety when you’ve got "efficiency"?
Rumor has it, FAA employees were also forced to sign NDAs, because if you're gutting an agency, best to silence the survivors.
Musk Shuts Down The Loan Office That Built Him
In a move so on-brand it hurts, DOGE has shuttered the very government loan office that once bankrolled Tesla’s rise. Department of Energy's Loan Programs Office‘s (LPO) office was instrumental in providing Tesla with a $465 million loan in 2010, which helped the company secure its Fremont factory and launch the Model S. That’s right—the hand that fed him? Bitten clean off. After all, why let future innovators get a leg up when you can pull up the ladder and cackle from orbit?
NASA to Elon: Mars Can Wait
And to cap off Musk’s week, the incoming NASA Administrator made it clear that Musk’s interplanetary ambitions don’t get to leapfrog national priorities. Translation: “Cool story, Elon, but we’re focused on the Moon. Sit down.”
It’s tough out there for a space-obsessed billionaire when reality—and gravity—keep dragging you back to Earth.
GOP: Now Hiring Sith Lords
Wyoming GOP’s Civil War: The Sith Strikes Back
In a plot twist worthy of a Star Wars spinoff, the Hot Springs County GOP is suing the Wyoming State Republican Party, accusing them of running things like a "Soviet-style politburo." Yes, when your own county party thinks you’ve gone full authoritarian, maybe it's time to holster the dark side energy.
Apparently, local Republicans are mad that the state GOP keeps meddling in their elections. Because what’s more American than fighting for your right to rig things your own way?
Ohio Decides Campaign Finance Laws Are So Last Season
Meanwhile, in Ohio, Republicans figured, why bend the rules when you can delete them entirely? The state’s House budget proposes scrapping a 30-year-old commission that handles campaign finance violations.
Because if no one's keeping score, are you really cheating? Ohio GOP says: "Problem solved."
Trump’s “Laws? Not 100%” Moment
While state Republicans are busy erasing oversight, Trump decided to make it crystal clear where he stands on governance. When asked if he agrees laws, not individuals, should rule America, he replied that he wouldn't "100 percent" commit to that.
Bold strategy. Somewhere, the Founding Fathers are playing rock-paper-scissors to see who haunts Mar-a-Lago first.
Pressuring Europe to Drop AI Rules—For the Homies
Not content with rewriting rules at home, the Trump administration is leaning on Europe to ditch its AI regulations. Because when your billionaire buddies want fewer restrictions on the robot overlords they’re building, who are you to say no?
After all, what's global diplomacy if not doing favors for your donors in the tech sector?
Ethics? Never Heard of Her
The Meme Coin Dinner That Shocked No One
Remember that Trump dinner for top holders of his meme coin? Yeah, the one where crypto bros got VIP access if their wallets were fat enough. Well, shocker—it’s now sparked demands for an ethics probe. Who could’ve guessed that a "pay-to-play" dinner with the president might raise eyebrows?
Answer: Everyone. Except, apparently, Trump.
A Club for Billionaires... Because They Needed a Safe Space
If you thought Washington, D.C. was already too cozy for the ultra-wealthy, fear not. Trump Jr. and pals launched "The Executive Branch," an invite-only club where membership costs over half a million dollars.
Finally, a place where America’s most oppressed class—the billionaires—can sip scotch and plot tax loopholes in peace.
Even Trump’s Favorite Newspaper Has Limits
When the Las Vegas Review-Journal—owned by Trump mega-donor Miriam Adelson—turns on him, you know something’s off. The paper slammed Trump’s pardon of Michele Fiore, a former Vegas councilwoman convicted of defrauding donors.
It turns out that even in Trumpworld, pardoning your grifting buddies might still get you a bad headline. Tough crowd.
Target: Where DEI Is Out, but Trump Donations Are In
Target was once the darling of corporate progressivism with its DEI initiatives. But after quietly backing away from those programs—and news dropping that they donated $1 million to Trump’s inauguration—those plummeting stock prices suddenly feel... poetic.
Guess pandering to both sides isn’t great for business when everyone sees through you.
Random Absurdity Corner
Benjamin Franklin... Now Representing Wisconsin’s 88th District?
No, not a hologram. A real, living Republican named Benjamin Franklin is serving in Wisconsin’s State Assembly. Somewhere, the actual Ben Franklin is rolling in his grave—probably grateful he’s missing this timeline.
Trump’s Canal Logic: Free Pass, Because... America
In Trump’s latest episode of “I Just Decided This,” he’s demanding that U.S. ships get free passage through both the Panama and Suez Canals. Why? Because, according to him, they "wouldn’t exist without us."
Someone should probably explain to him how sovereignty works, but at this point, why bother?
The War on Wikipedia
Trump’s interim U.S. attorney for D.C. sent a threatening letter to the Wikimedia Foundation, accusing it of "rewriting history" and hinting at revoking its nonprofit status. Because nothing says "land of the free" like cracking down on a website where teenagers argue about Star Wars canon and citation formatting.
Youngkin’s Lt. Gov Candidate: Too Scandalous for the GOP?
Virginia Governor Glenn Youngkin asked his party’s Lt. Gov candidate to drop out after sexually explicit social media posts surfaced. Which, frankly, feels like a resume booster in today’s GOP. But hey, even they have lines—apparently.
Saquon Barkley Tees Off with Trump, While Shedeur Gets a Presidential Pity Tweet
NFL star Saquon Barkley hit the golf course with Trump right before the Eagles' White House visit. Meanwhile, Trump threw a public tantrum when Shedeur Sanders wasn’t picked in the first round of the NFL Draft, going so far as to endorse him. Because nothing screams presidential priorities like sports grudges and fantasy football vibes.
Oh, and before we go, if you’re looking for signs that the wheels are truly coming off:
Trump just notched the lowest 100-day approval rating in 80 years.
A majority of voters now openly support his impeachment (including 20% of Republicans, bless their hesitant hearts).
And Democrats? They’re staging literal sit-ins on Capitol steps, because when legislative tools fail, why not go full performance art?
America 2025: where even the protests feel like desperate reboots of '60s classics.
Catch you in the next Snarkitorial—assuming the Fed doesn’t start charging admission to Versailles-on-the-Mall by then.
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Because in 2025, citing sources isn’t just good practice—it’s self-defense:
"Federal Reserve Blows $2.5B on 'Palace of Versailles' HQ Despite Mounting Losses: 'Congress Must Put Its Foot Down'." New York Post, April 27, 2025.
"White House Posts Glam Pics of First Lady Melania Trump for Her 55th Birthday." New York Post, April 27, 2025.
Lyon, Peter. "Cybertruck Is More Like an Anchor Than Boat That Can Float." Forbes, April 27, 2025.
"FAA Fires Fewer Than 400 Workers, Transportation Chief Says." Reuters, February 18, 2025.
"Elon Musk Is Shutting Down the Government Loan Office That Gave Him the Money to Grow Tesla." Jalopnik, April 26, 2025.
"Hot Springs County Republicans Sue 'Soviet-Style Politburo' State Party." Cowboy State Daily, April 21, 2025.
"Trump Administration Pressures Europe to Ditch AI Rulebook." Yahoo Finance, April 25, 2025.
"Democrats Sit-In Protest on Budget." CBS News, April 24, 2025.
"Poll: Majority Supports Impeaching Trump." ABC News, April 27, 2025.
"Incoming NASA Administrator Throws Elon Musk's Mars Plans Under the Bus." Futurism, April 26, 2025.
"Republican-Approved Ohio House Budget Erases Commission That Handles Campaign Finance Cases." WYSU, April 25, 2025.
"Exclusive: Inside Trump's First 100 Days." Time, April 25, 2025.
"Trump-Aligned Club for the Ultra Rich Launches in Washington." Politico, April 26, 2025.
"Target Donated $1M to Trump Inauguration Before Backing Away from DEI Initiatives." Bring Me The News, April 25, 2025.
"Michele Fiore Pardoned by Trump After Federal Guilty Verdict." Las Vegas Review-Journal, April 24, 2025.
"Trump Mega-Donor's Paper Savages His Pardon of Las Vegas Republican." The Guardian, April 26, 2025.
"Trump Says US Ships Should Be Allowed to Travel Through the Panama and Suez Canals for Free." Reuters, April 26, 2025.
"Representative Benjamin Franklin - Wisconsin Legislative Documents." Wisconsin State Legislature, 2025.
"Trump Vows to Bring Columbus Day Back 'From the Ashes'." AOL News, April 27, 2025.
"Donald Trump Has Lowest 100-Day Approval Rating in 80 Years: POLL." ABC News, April 27, 2025.
Schiff, Adam, and Elizabeth Warren. "NEWS: Sens. Schiff, Warren Demand Federal Ethics Watchdog Investigate Trump ‘Pay to Play’ Dinner for Meme Coin Holders." Senate.gov, April 25, 2025.
Vozzella, Laura, Teo Armus, and Gregory S. Schneider. "Youngkin asks GOP nominee to quit over claim he posted lewd photos of men." The Washington Post, April 25, 2025.
Roche, Dan. "Saquon Barkley spends time with President Trump before Eagles' White House visit." NBC Sports Philadelphia, April 27, 2025.
9News Staff. "Trump expresses outrage after Shedeur Sanders' NFL draft snub." 9News, April 26, 2025.
Kaminsky, Gabe. "Exclusive: Trump's D.C. Prosecutor Threatens Wikipedia's Tax-Exempt Status." The Free Press, April 25, 2025.
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