We Regret to Inform You the Republic Is Still on Fire

Constitutional violations, campaign cosplay, and spontaneous bird combustion—your democracy died as it lived: weirdly.

Welcome back to the United States of What the Hell. The year is 2025. AI is making sex bots that quote Tucker Carlson. A presidential candidate took his grandkids swimming in literal sewage. Congress is napping on the job (again). And somewhere, Elon Musk is promising us all a Terminator with a heart of gold.

This isn’t a news roundup. This is a cry for …