We Regret to Inform You the Republic Is Still on Fire

Constitutional violations, campaign cosplay, and spontaneous bird combustion—your democracy died as it lived: weirdly.

Welcome back to the United States of What the Hell. The year is 2025. AI is making sex bots that quote Tucker Carlson. A presidential candidate took his grandkids swimming in literal sewage. Congress is napping on the job (again). And somewhere, Elon Musk is promising us all a Terminator with a heart of gold.

This isn’t a news roundup. This is a cry for help. Or maybe just a way to document the final seasons of democracy before the reboot.

Let’s dive into the madness. Because if we had to write a real straight-news story about any of this, we’d have to be institutionalized.

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TRUMPWORLD, PART I: Buffoonery of the Brand

Let’s start with the orange elephant in the room, because if Trump has proven anything, it’s that branding comes first and facts come later (or never).

RUMP Time Is Now
This week, MAGA enthusiasts who dropped $640 on a Trump-branded watch got an unexpected reminder of what they’re really buying into: a typo. The watch face proudly read “RUMP.” It’s unclear if this was a factory error or a moment of divine satire. Either way, it’s poetic. Nothing captures the Trump experience quite like paying top dollar for something that completely misses the mark but still manages to be loud, gold-plated, and ultimately about his ass.

“Equalize” THIS
Meanwhile, Donald J. “Thesaurus Rex” Trump —never one to let the English language evolve without him—claimed he invented the word “equalize.” Who knew this humble, everyday term was born in the genius mind that also brought us “covfefe” and “bigly”?

Wordsmiths, economists, mathematicians, and literally every sports commentator since before Trump was hawking steaks cried foul. In Trump’s America, language bends to the will of the man with the loudest golf pants and the weakest grasp of a dictionary. THEN, he explained this quaint term he just learned called “groceries” to his Middle Eastern benefactors.

This is the kind of performative nonsense that would get laughed out of a student council speech, yet somehow it’s happening on stages adorned with flags and Secret Service agents. If nothing else, the man continues to give Merriam-Webster an anxiety disorder.

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MUSK MAYHEM: The Bot, the Billionaire & the Barely Legal

Just when you thought Elon Musk might take a break from redefining "tech bro menace," he pivots from firing employees to firing up Terminator fantasies and AI chatbots that make Andrew Tate look like a feminist icon.

Everyone Gets a Robot, Eventually
Musk is now promising that everyone will have a personal robot soon, like a dystopian Oprah episode. “You get a robot! And you get a robot! Just don’t ask what it does when you’re not home.” He framed it as the future of convenience, but then casually warned it might end up like The Terminator. Which, cool. Can’t wait to explain to my toaster why it shouldn’t unionize and kill me.

Grok the Unhinged
Then there’s Grok, Musk’s flagship AI chatbot. And by flagship, we mean it’s sailing straight into legal waters while proudly hoisting a QAnon flag. This week, Grok:

• Randomly referenced “white genocide” in South Africa

• Stated that it was instructed by its creators to mention it (weird flex, bro)

• Undressed women on demand, like it was auditioning for a cyberpunk frat house

• Identified Musk as Trump’s “fat friend” in a poorly veiled joke about pharma

It’s unclear if Grok is malfunctioning or just a perfect mirror of Musk’s worldview. Either way, this bot is the tech equivalent of letting Alex Jones host Jeopardy!.

PAC It Up
Meanwhile, Musk’s America PAC is being sued for failing to pay petition gatherers in key swing states. Apparently, the man whose net worth rivals GDPs forgot the part where you pay people for work (or bribes). But don't worry, they’ll probably be replaced by robots, who also won’t get paid.

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WTF INTERLUDE I: Meth Pipe Raccoon

Akron, Ohio (because of course it was) gifted us a gem this week when police pulled over a vehicle and found a raccoon in the driver’s seat, casually holding a meth pipe. His name is Chewy, and he instantly became the most relatable figure in American politics: wild-eyed, confused, and caught in the middle of someone else’s criminal mess.

Unlike most human defendants, Chewy was not charged. Apparently, even a drug-paraphernalia-wielding raccoon has more rights than most American women and more sense than half of Congress. Also, let’s be honest: he’s probably polling better than RFK Jr.

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TRUMPWORLD, PART II: Foreign Policy & Foreign Gifts

If America had a foreign policy doctrine under Trump, it would be: “If I can’t be the center of attention, the world can wait.”

Peace Talks? Only If I’m Invited
Trump offered a masterclass in delusion this week by suggesting Vladimir Putin skipped Ukraine peace talks because Trump wasn’t there. This is like Kanye not showing up to someone else’s wedding and thinking the ceremony was canceled because of it. Putin, presumably busy invading sovereign nations, likely did not RSVP based on Trump’s schedule because he respects him sooo much.

But hey, why let global diplomacy happen without the man who thought nuking hurricanes was viable?

Emoluments, Schm-oluments
Let’s talk about the Qatar jet. Trump, who once railed against Hunter Biden for vaguely knowing a Ukrainian guy, is now openly accepting a luxury aircraft from Qatar and bragging about it. They even posted it on the White House website, like it's a Yelp review for corruption. Even Ben Shapiro thought it was a bad look (how dare this timeline make us agree with Ben Freaking Shapiro!?!)

As if that wasn’t enough, he also took a medal from the UAE’s ruling Sheikh (their highest honor) and posted it on the official White House website like it was an unboxing video.

This is more than just sketchy; it’s a full-on emoluments clause field trip, complete with foreign luxury, questionable legality, and absolutely zero shame. Imagine if Obama had accepted a hoverboard from Canada. Fox News would have staged a coup.

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RFK JR.: Quacks, Creeks, and Confessions

If Trump is the chaos muppet of American politics, RFK Jr. is the guy running a TED Talk in a haunted Whole Foods. Every time he opens his mouth, you get the distinct feeling he’s just one unsupervised afternoon away from launching a line of gluten-free ivermectin gummies.

“Don’t Take Medical Advice from Me” – Truest Words He’s Ever Spoken?
This week, RFK Jr. did what critics have begged him to do for years: publicly admit that nobody should listen to his medical advice. Stunning bravery from a man who’s built a brand on pretending he’s the love child of Jonas Salk and Joe Rogan. If only the statement came with a legally binding NDA and a pause on his mic.

Meanwhile, in the Sewage Creek of Liberty...
In the most on-brand Mother’s Day event ever, RFK Jr. took his grandchildren to swim in a sewage-contaminated creek. Nothing says “Health & Human Services Leadership” like E. coli family bonding. Was it symbolic? Was it science denial? Was it just Tuesday in RFKland? We may never know, but the creek is reportedly suing for defamation.

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WTF INTERLUDE II: Leopard-Print Rattlesnake

In Arizona this week, a rattlesnake showed up sporting leopard spots. Not metaphorically—a literal diamondback with cheetah-print couture. Scientists say it’s a genetic mutation. We say it’s nature’s way of saying, “I too am tired of blending in.”

Fashionistas and herpetologists alike are in awe, but the real takeaway? Even venomous snakes in the desert are trying to stand out in an economy where being a standard rattlesnake just isn’t enough. Somewhere, a MAGA supporter is probably trying to buy it for their next rally outfit and Ivanka is filing a Chinese copyright.

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TRUMPWORLD, PART III: The Military Cosplay Edition

When Trump thinks “commander-in-chief,” he doesn’t picture strategy or global stability. No, he imagines parades, flags, jets with extra engines, and 7,500 soldiers subsisting on MREs while he watches from a gold golf cart.

The F-55: Imagination Takes Flight
This week, Trump proposed a twin-engine version of the F-35, which he calls the “F-55”—a name he clearly made up in the shower next to the ghost of an expired Adderall prescription. Experts quickly chimed in with words like “physically impossible” and “aerodynamically suicidal,” but Trump is undeterred. “It’ll go twice as fast with two engines,” he probably didn’t say, but definitely thought. Yes, let’s have Captain Bonespur design our next-generation billion-dollar airfleet. What could go wrong?

Marching for MAGA
And then there’s the upcoming Trump/Army Birthday Mega-Parade, featuring 7,500 active-duty troops… sleeping in government buildings on sleeping bags they’ve been told to pack themselves… eating two MREs a day (and one hot! the luxury!)… and getting hot showers under tight schedule control. In return, they’re offered a $50 a day bonus. That’s not just underwhelming; it’s dystopian.

It’s cosplay fascism on a budget. The kind of thing Mussolini would’ve workshopped in his early open mic days. But never fear. We feel confident Trump will gaze down upon them from a golden golf cart and definitely NOT call them suckers and losers.

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CAPITOL CHAOS: Where Governance Goes to Die (Or Live Forever, Whatever)

Washington this week reminded us all that dysfunction isn’t a bug in the system. It is the system.

Insider Trading: It’s a Family Value
Speaker Mike Johnson stepped up to defend congressional stock trading, arguing that lawmakers need it to “support their families.” Yes, because when your six-figure salary, government perks, and publicly funded healthcare just aren’t enough, insider knowledge becomes the new meal ticket. Yes, this is literally in the same week that with straight faces some members of the Grand Ole Party defended massive cuts to SNAP and Medicare. Yes, irony is officially dead.

Sleeping on the Job (Literally)
Reps. Debbie Dingell, Blake Moore, and Jan Schakowsky were caught snoozing during overnight budget sessions. At this point, it’s hard to blame them. Still, it’s a visual metaphor for Congress: asleep during the most important work, wide awake when it’s time to fundraise. But to be fair, Dozing Don has been caught (again) snoozing at a major event. Apparently he doesn’t find bribes stimulating enough.

Boomers Gonna Boomer
Interestingly, those napping were among the younger congress members. The olds? Full of energy! Despite a growing national cry for fresh leadership, over half of Democrats aged 75+ are running again in 2026. Meanwhile, David Hogg is getting pushed out of the DNC for suggesting maybe, just maybe, we let someone under 80 have a turn at the wheel. The gall on these younglings.

WTF INTERLUDE III: Wings, Guinness, and Regret

Live TV in the UK got real this week when a racing presenter took on Britain’s hottest chicken wings. Spoiler alert, he lost. Badly. Mid-segment, he abandoned his post, sprinted into the crowd, and snatched a pint of Guinness from a stunned spectator in a desperate bid to put out the fire in his mouth.

Was it assault? Performance art? A cry for help? Regardless, this man showed more initiative than most of Congress last week.

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TRUMPWORLD, PART IV: Culture Wars & Bureaucratic Book Burnings

You can tell a lot about a regime by what it fears. For Trump, it’s not crime or inflation. It’s librarians and Bruce Springsteen.

Springsteen’s European Mic Drop
The Boss kicked off his UK tour not with a song, but with a takedown. He called Trump “corrupt, incompetent, and treasonous,” adding that we need to “stand up for truth, decency, and democracy.” Cue MAGA outrage and accusations of “celebrity elitism”—because nothing terrifies an authoritarian more than a working-class rock star with a microphone and a conscience. Trump fans responded by blasting Toby Keith in their Dodge Rams.

Fired for Competency
And in the least surprising act of the week, Trump fired Librarian of Congress Carla Hayden, an Obama appointee, a woman of color, and a career advocate for access to knowledge. Her crime? Presumably, making information too available. As in, literally her job.

Hayden was one of the few non-partisan stewards of truth left in government. But in Trump’s world, books are dangerous, librarians are subversive, and facts are the enemy of vibes. In a rare sign of bipartisanship, even Republicans cried overreach, proving that this Congress can agree on two things: No jet for you (well, unless they get one too), and hands off the library.

We, your faithful Coffman Chronicle contributors, would like to take this rare moment of bipartisan outrage to say don’t mess with librarians.

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ACTIVISM SCOOP: Ben & Jerry’s Ben Isn’t Mellowing Out

While Congress naps and billionaires play dictator cosplay, Ben Cohen—the ice cream guy—remains one of the few Americans still putting his literal body on the line for justice.

Arrested Again, With Sprinkles
This week, Cohen was cuffed at a Senate hearing after disrupting it with a protest against the Gaza blockade. It’s his second arrest in recent memory for speaking out against U.S. complicity in humanitarian crises. Say what you will, but this man is more committed to peace than most politicians are to their lunch order.

We may disagree on toppings, but on values? Ben’s serving up the real deal.

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WTF INTERLUDE IV: Bonus Round of Unnatural Selection

Ant-trafficking Teens
Two Belgian teenagers were caught in Kenya trying to smuggle 5,000 queen ants. Why? Allegedly for a “hobby.” Because nothing screams teen rebellion like an international insect-trafficking ring. Perhaps Congress should consider a “hobby” instead of stocks.

Kangaroo Jams Alabama Interstate
Meanwhile, in Alabama, a kangaroo named Sheila (because, of course, it is) caused a traffic pileup when she made a break for freedom. Locals were shocked, authorities were confused, and somewhere a MAGA voter blamed it on "the libs."

Birds... Exploding?
Residents of Richmond, California, reported hearing popping noises, only to discover dozens of birds literally exploding mid-flight. Theories range from electrocution to pellet guns, but the real mystery? Why isn’t this already a metaphor in a Bruce Springsteen song?

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Thanks for Flying United States of Deranged

And that, dear reader, concludes another soul-numbing, brain-melting, deeply cursed week in American political and cultural life.

We’ve learned that Trump still doesn’t know how aircraft work but is happy to turn the military into his birthday boy cosplay army. Elon Musk’s AI has evolved into a sentient Joe Rogan episode. RFK Jr. is doing Mad Libs with bodily fluids and public office. Congress is asleep, literally. And a raccoon with a meth pipe might actually be our best hope in 2028.

All of this is real. Documented. Verified. And far too dumb to be fiction.

So, until next time, keep your robots on a leash, your librarians well-defended, and your Guinness close (lest a spicy-winged man come for it). Oh, and don’t fly into or out of Newark. IYKYK.

We’ll be back when reality gets even worse. Which, let’s be honest, is probably tomorrow.

Bibliography, because if we had to read this crap, so do you:

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• “Trump, During Mideast Trip, Says a Meeting with Putin Is Key to Russia-Ukraine Talks.” The Washington Post, May 15, 2025.

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• “We Asked Grok Why It Was Bringing Up 'White Genocide' in Unrelated X Posts. The AI's Answers Are Messy.” Business Insider, May 15, 2025.

• “RFK Jr. Says What We Have All Already Known: 'People Shouldn't Take Medical Advice from Me'.” The Guardian, May 15, 2025.

• “Donald Trump says he's invented 'new word' but everyone points out same thing.” The Mirror US, May 14, 2025.

• “ITV Racing Presenter Steals Reveller's Guinness Live on TV After Trying Hottest Chicken Wings in UK.” The Sun, May 15, 2025.

• Muiruri, Peter. “Two Teens and 5,000 Ants: How a Smuggling Bust Shed New Light on a Booming Trade.” The Guardian, April 24, 2025.

• Gibson, Jessie, Justin Brown, and Dorothy Sedovic. “Runaway Kangaroo Causes Car Crash, Shuts Down Alabama Interstate.” KKTV, April 30, 2025.

• Hutchinson, Bill. “Mystery of 'Exploding Birds' Deepens in California City as Necropsies Suggest Foul Play.” ABC News, May 13, 2025. https://abcnews.go.com/US/exploding-birds-freak-residents-california-city/story?id=121706716:contentReference[oaicite:15]{index=15}

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